do i turn your gray skies blue?
by renegadekarma
Amory is perplexed. “Sitting isn’t so bad. Besides, you slept with him. What’s wrong with sitting?”
Normally, her son’s innocence is downright endearing, but this time, Tatiana turns bright red. Amory’s spoken loud enough that all of the other Mums sitting by her hear and snap their heads around, and somewhere in the back of her peripherals and a tiny bit to her right, she sees Benj’s head turn.
“Not like that,” she splutters, “Amory, sweetheart, I did not sleep with Mr. Gray.”
“I’m just saying, it would be nice to have both parents around.”
Tatiana grits her teeth. Under the fluorescent lights, the other woman looks even more wicked as the lights blare down garishly over her face. “You’ve mentioned,” she manages.
Helen Rivers smiles over at her simperingly, with that expression that she always does when she’s sure that she’s right and she’s about to impart even more unwanted wisdom on her poor victim. Usually, it’s the expression that Tatiana sees her turning on other parents in the daycare right before she lectures them on GMOs or plastic lunch boxes. Unfortunately, this time it’s her on the receiving end.
“I know that you two didn’t exactly part on great terms,” Helen goes on, “but you have two young children! You have to think of them. They need another parent, because it won’t be good for their development with just you around. Especially when you have sole custody and they never get to see their father.”
Tatiana prides herself on being a patient woman, but even she can’t stand Helen’s advice a moment longer. “I’ve actually got a shift soon,” she starts, reaching forward to clasp a hand with each of her children. “So while it was lovely talking to you, I really must be going.”
“That’s another reason why you need to find a new husband,” Helen calls after her, even as Tatiana hurries her children out the door, “You barely have time with your job to raise two kids! If you didn’t -”
The door shuts behind them, effectively silencing Helen’s words, and from far closer to the ground, two pairs of brown and blue eyes turn up at her curiously.
“Mum, what’s custardy mean?” Amory asks, screwing together his eyebrows in confusion.
“It’s the type of food we get for snack sometimes,” Isabelle chips in brightly. “I like the chocolate ones.”
Amory, however, isn’t thoroughly convinced, and continues to keep his gaze on his mother. These are the types of conversations that Tatiana has read about hundreds of times in the all the books she’d read about child development and rearing, especially the ones that she’s bought after the divorce, but it never prepares her for the reality of an inquisitive five-year-old. And as a single parent of two, these sort of conversations always fall to her to explain, as much as she’d wish to save some of them for later.
She turns her rosy smile down at him. “Custody,” she replies, enunciating each syllable clearly, “Is deciding who gets to take care of someone. Like Mungo, right? Our dog is in our custody, because we are the ones taking care of him.”
Isabelle is placated, but Amory pauses as if something is bothering him. “But why did Mrs. Rivers say that you had soul custody? Does your soul take care of us?” Tatiana would nearly have cried at the innocence etched onto her son’s face, but as she’d promised herself several times in the last few months, she wouldn’t cry in front of her children again.
“I like that,” Belle adds cheerfully as they walk toward the car. She swings Tatiana’s left arm all the way from where her little fingers are clasped in her mother’s larger ones. “It’s like your soul is the boss of our souls and tells us when to sleep and eat and when we get to play! Or soulmates. Like our souls are mates with each other.”
Tatiana suspects that some of her hopeless romanticism and the cheesy movies that they watch are beginning to rub off on her daughter, and she struggles to find a reasonable explanation that doesn’t completely ruin the innocence of her young children. “It means that I’m the sole person to take care of you. I know that Grandma and Uncle Dai and a lot of people watch you,” she adds as Amory opens his mouth to protest, “but it means that I’m the one who takes care of you most of the time, right?”
“Why did she mention Dad?” Amory asks, drawing his eyebrows together again, and Tatiana curses her neighbor internally for opening that can of worms again. Helen might try to be well-meaning, but this is the type of conversation that she would have preferred to had far from the eager ears and inquisitive eyes of Amory and Isabelle. “Is she saying that we need a Dad?” He’s starting to look a little green, just like he had when she’d first broken the news to him more than a year ago.
Tatiana hides a sigh, and bends down so that she’s at face level. Her children peer back at her, and she’s filled with an overwhelming urge to wrap them in her arms and never let go. She wants to shield them from the pain and horror of the world, but it’s a little bit too late for that now, so she takes the plunge. “You don’t need a Dad,” she tells them gently but firmly, “I’m here for you, and I always will be. We’re just fine.” She plants quick kisses to each of their foreheads and then stands again to unlock the car and get them buckled in their seats.
She’s found by now that though her children are curious, they’re usually satisfied enough with the answers she gives them on this matter. Within minutes, her children are buckled in and continuing some discussion that they must have started earlier about dinosaurs, and Tatiana gets into the front of the car and drives away.
Benj’s shoes squeak on the polished ground as he hurries into the school. He knows this route through the hallways by heart now. In fact, he has it down to a science. It takes a minute to get to the door from the parking lot, about three minutes to be let in, and if he hurries, about forty-five seconds to get to the main office.
This time, however, Cecilia is snoozing on his shoulder, and his footsteps are a little slower. A minute and a half later, he arrives in the principal’s office, where his six-year-old is sitting on a chair. Her sneakers don’t even skim the ground as she swings them back and forth on the chair, and she doesn’t even have the grace to look guilty as he sits down beside her.
“What did she do this time?” he asks the principal. Clara glares at him, but he shoots her a look warning her to be quiet for the time-being as he deals with this.
Mr. Jameson is a kind man, but he’s been in this same exact position with Benj several times before. He casts a quick look at the three-year-old sleeping on the other’s shoulder before starting in a quiet voice, “She got into an argument with Ryan Rivers, kept interrupting the teacher during class to ask disruptive questions, and then called another child a -” He glances at Clara briefly before turning back to the man, “a bad word starting with ‘s’.”
Benj quickly tries to file through all the bad words that he knows starting with that letter in his head. His first response is to ask where the fuck she learned that from before he realizes that he himself is likely the culprit, so he settles for something else. “And she did all of this just today?”
Mr. Jameson and Clara nod in unison.
Benj lets out a sigh. “I’ll talk to her,” he promises, “she’s just acting out a bit because of, well, circumstances.” Mr. Jameson looks sympathetic at this – on one of Benj’s previous visits to the office, he had learned that the principal’s first wife had died as well, which makes him a little bit sympathetic to Benj’s situation, even if the Grays are still recovering; and in Clara’s case, recovering with a lot of difficulty.
“Miss Cormack doesn’t mind it, usually, but today the questions were a bit much,” Mr. Jameson explains kindly. “They were talking about how certain holidays were celebrated around the world, and Mothers Day came up…”
He doesn’t need to fill in the gaps. Benj can already guess at the reaction that his older daughter had had, and shoots a look at her. Usually, she’s staring back defiantly, but now, she’s studying her shoes with a hint of shame in the low set of her shoulders.
“I see,” Benj says, his voice delicate. “Thank you for letting me know, Mr. Jameson. Clara and I are going to have a talk about her behavior later.” He rises, adjusting his younger daughter on his shoulder, and nods at the principal before he leaves the office, his six-year-old in tow.
There’s silence for a few moments as they walk back to the car and he secures both of his girls into their seats. Cecilia tends to sleep fairly easily, and she doesn’t stir even as she’s buckled in, but Clara remains starkly quiet even as he pulls the car out of the parking lot. At the end of the road, Benj makes a right instead of a left, and this gets his daughter’s attention.
“Daddy, you missed the turn,” reports Clara from the backseat.
“We’re not going home yet, Ignacio,” he replies as he pulls into the parking lot of an ice cream shop. Normally, this would have Clara tugging off her seatbelt and screeching in an effort to get out of the car as fast as she could, but instead, she regards her father with some suspicion.
“Why are we here?”
“I just wanted to talk to you,” offers Benj as he slides open the door next to Clara. Cecilia shifts blearily, and then peeks open one blue eye at him, and he scoops her dozing figure up with one arm as he uses the other to help Clara out of the car. She follows him down, clearly puzzled, and shuts the door before stepping toward the counter.
“Is this about getting called to the principal’s office again?” she ventures cautiously, “because if it is, I’m sorry, but Ryan just deserved it. And I really like Miss Cormack, but then she kept talking about cards, and how wonderful Mums were and I just couldn’t -” she stops, and Benj knows without even looking that she’s staring very hard at the ground, her lower lip jutting out and trembling as she wills herself not to cry.
“It’s okay,” he assures her as he bends down, reaching out to hug her with a hand. “You shouldn’t have made trouble in class, but you’re allowed to be upset. You know that, right?” Clara nods, her face pink but so far tear-free. “I just really want to keep you from getting into trouble again, alright? Can you do that for me?”
Clara rubs her eyes with the sleeve of her slightly too-long jumper, and Benj’s heart twists. Cecilia shifts on his shoulder and turns her head sideways, watching her sister with curiosity, and as if hyper-aware of the younger girl looking at her, Clara nods extra certainly. Benj nods back in satisfaction and rises to his feet. “Ice cream, then?”
“Can I get chocolate?” Clara asks, and from his shoulder, Cecilia bounces in anticipation.
“Of course you can,” Benj replies with a smile as they step toward the counter. There’s so much more that he wants to tell her, but he has never been very good with expressing how he feels in words, and he suspects that his eldest daughter is much the same. So instead, they commiserate together through double scoops of chocolate ice cream, with Cecilia eating about three-quarters of his in eager excitement.
These are the moments that Tatiana really treasures. Her job at the hospital keeps her busy, even if they’re fairly understanding of her situation. She’s a young, single mother with two children, and being a doctor isn’t always the best fit for her lifestyle at home, but she finds a way to make it work somehow. When she can’t be there, one of her family members or friends steps in, and if she really had to, she would quit her job, but she is hoping that it doesn’t have to come to that. Luckily, she hasn’t yet missed any of Amory’s football games – even if this is only the second – and she’s hoping that she won’t have to.
Seren sits beside her on the bleachers, fanning herself with a hand as she surveys the field. “Who do you think is going to win this match?”
Tatiana is inherently competitive, but she feels the need to add, “Seren, most of them are about six years old. They don’t get to know who wins or loses a match, they just shake hands at the end and walk away with participation trophies.”
Seren pauses for a moment to stare incredulously at her best friend. “Are you serious? Violet has been telling me that her team won by a landslide last time.”
“Frankie likes to fudge the scores a little bit when he tells them to her,” admits Tatiana with a shrug. She pauses only momentarily before she asks, “How is this arrangement working out, anyway?”
Seren’s going through a divorce of her own right now, which is hard on her and her three children, but she’s very good at keeping it under wraps in public. She trades off going to their oldest child’s little league football games with her soon-to-be ex-husband, maintains a cordial enough relationship with him, and drops off the children at his every other week. Tatiana is envious of how much more smoothly their divorce seems to be going, but then she reminds herself that not everything needs to be a competition. What’s important is that hers is over.
“It’s going alright,” replies Seren with a shrug, “It’s not perfect, but I didn’t expect it to be. I’m not even sure if it’s a long term solution, but the kids seem as if they’re doing alright, even if Clover and Iris have a lot of questions still.”
“Do you want to borrow one of my books about how to talk to children about divorce?” Tatiana offers.
“I’ll pass,” Seren replies with a quick smile and another shrug. “I think it’s just something I need to work out myself, you know? I think it helps that I’ve got you, to be honest.” She lowers her voice slightly. “Clover asked if he was going to have no Dad like Isabelle, and I had to tell him that things were different and it would still be mostly me taking care of them, just like you were, and he seemed alright with that. To be honest, I suspect it’s just because Belle is so well-adjusted that he doesn’t seem more cut up about it.”
Tatiana hums back in reply. Well-adjusted isn’t exactly the word that she would use to describe her four-year-old, but Isabelle does at least seem to be alright in public. Part of her selfishly hopes that her daughter is forgetting about her father, but as she’s the one who’s there to field all the questions and soothe the late night tantrums and crying fits, she doesn’t think that that’s quite the case. Still, she makes no move to correct her best friend.
Daniel takes a seat on the other side of her, and Seren shoots him a look before she rises from her spot on the bleachers. “I think I’m going to go make sure that Clover isn’t eating dandelions again,” she announces as she starts for the patch of grass on the side of the field, where, admittedly, Belle, Clover, and Iris, Seren’s youngest who seems to be following around her brother at the moment, are investigating a patch of yellow flowers.
“She still doesn’t like me?” Daniel sighs.
Tatiana simply shakes her head. “Ser’s pretty stubborn when it comes to things like that,” she replied. The brunette held grudges too, but it was a little bit harder to when it was her own brother. Daniel had said something when Tatiana’s marriage hadn’t worked out that had upset her and sent her best friend into a rage, and even now, a little over a year later, with Daniel a single father himself now, Seren had yet to completely forgive him. “Anyway, how are they playing?”
“It’s looking pretty good,” Daniel says, watching the field cautiously. His son, Jude, is standing vaguely near the goal, bouncing slightly as he waits for the ball to come his way so that he can kick it back, and Tatiana has to hide a laugh at how earnest he looks. Daniel, however, is smiling fondly, and she can’t bring herself to.
Tatiana turns her attention back to the game, and then gets up after a moment. “I’m going to go get a water bottle. You want anything?” Daniel shakes his head, and she clambers down the sides of the bleachers and ends up near the cooler. A few of the other parents are milling about and socializing there, and she says her hello’s to the usual crowd as she makes her way to the cooler and pulls it open. It takes her a moment to realize that something is wrong, and then she frowns.
“Er,” she starts out slowly, getting the attention of the few people around her, “who was in charge of the drinks this week?”
A man with golden curls who she hasn’t met before steps forward and gives her a quizzical look. “Is something wrong?”
“I’m just a little bit confused by this,” she says, pulling out one of the many bottles of Gatorade from inside the cooler and showing it to him. “Did you mean to buy Gatorade?”
“Yes?” the blonde man replies, still clearly confused. If Tatiana had bothered to look at him for longer than a few seconds, she might have realized that this man was exactly her type, with the fair hair and curls and a mouth that normally stretched up into a wide smile, but her attention was more focused on the drinks right now.
By now, the others around them had resumed their conversations, finding the one that these two were having about the drinks inconsequential, but Tatiana just bit her lower lip and placed the bottle back into the cooler. “You’re not really supposed to give young children too much Gatorade,” she explains, “It’s pretty high on simple sugars, and that doesn’t do much for them except getting them hyper.”
“But it’s got electrolytes,” the man persists, “I read that those were good because they’d be sweating a lot during practice and would need something more than water to hydrate them.”
“That might be true in the case of athletes,” replies Tatiana, “but they’re only running for an hour or two, and they won’t be losing too much water that they need something with extra ions. We have snacks anyway.” She nods toward the table nearby, where Seren has peeled several oranges for the children to eat once the game is over or during their breaks. “I mean, it’s fine every once in a while, but we really shouldn’t be making a habit of bringing sugary drinks, you know?”
She thinks that her words have been pretty reasonable, but the man’s shoulders harden slightly. “Alright,” he replies, his tone a little bit clipped, “Noted. I won’t buy anything fun next time. I just thought that kids could use some sugar for energy after a long two hours of running around on the field.”
“It’s not that it’s not fun,” Tatiana backtracks suddenly, sensing somehow that she’s offended him even if she doesn’t know why, “but water’s probably a better idea. They’re not completely exhausting themselves.”
“Alright,” he says again, and it seems like he might say something else before the coach blows his whistle and the kids run over toward the cooler and the table of snacks.
Tatiana closes the lid on the cooler, and gives her son a broad smile as he approaches, even if his lips are turned downward. “Sweetheart, what’s wrong?” she asks him, bending down to his level.
“I let in two goals,” Amory says miserably. “Jude looked so upset, Mum. And I bet that all of the offense wish that I wasn’t the goalie.” He looks so upset that she can tell that he is probably only a minute or two away from crying, but she refuses to let him feel bad again. Children can be cruel, and he’s already been teased before in school for being too sensitive. She’d signed him up for football because she thought that it would be a good way for him to make new friends and keep active, and it seemed as if it was going well so far.
“You’re a great goalie,” she assures him, running a hand through his dark curls that are sticky with sweat. “And you’ll make it up to them during the second half. You’ve been practicing all those saves that coach taught you, right?” Amory nods, his face relaxing slightly. “Then you’ll get to use them next time someone tries to score on your goal! Maybe you can even do that velociraptor scream that you like doing when you practice at home.”
Amory giggles, and Tatiana feels a bit of triumph pool in her stomach at her success. “I told you that it was a pterodactyl screech, not a velociraptor one, remember?” he clarifies, and she makes a mockingly shocked expression that makes him laugh again. “Can I have a Gatorade?” he asks, looking over her shoulder at the cooler.
Tatiana glances past him. “Why don’t you get one of those oranges first?” she suggest, nodding at the table, and though Amory throws a wistful look at one of the blue bottles, he turns towards the table. Tatiana stands to her full height again, and accidentally makes eye contact with the man she’d confronted earlier. He’s got a girl about Amory’s age by his side, chattering away excitedly about the goal that she made. While Tatiana is watching, he hands his daughter a Gatorade.
Tatiana turns away and steps toward the table with the oranges.
Benj likes to think that he’s calm under pressure, but one look at his youngest daughter and he’s been sent into a panic. He’s searched for solutions on Google, taken her temperature twice, and held back her hair as she vomited in the toilet, and then he gives up and calls Seth.
“Hello?” his old friend answers with a yawn.
“Cece’s sick,” replies Benj as a greeting, and Seth abruptly stops yawning. “She’s burning up, and she keeps complaining that her head hurts, and she’s already thrown up. I think she might throw up again.”
Seth isn’t a doctor, but his voice at least sounds reasonable enough to the ears of a worried parent. “You should probably get her to the hospital. It’s probably just a stomach bug, but better to be safe than sorry, right?”
“You’re right, you’re right,” Benj stammers as he reaches for his keys and shoves them in pocket. Cecilia is lying on the couch in fetal position, and it breaks his heart to see his daughter in pain like this. He puts the phone down long enough to shout for Clara, who has just woken up and is standing at the door of her room in pajamas with a look of bleary confusion on her face.
It’s another minute or so until they’re in the car and driving to the hospital. Cecilia complains from the backseat and Benj glances at the mirror to see a sleepy Clara pat her clumsily, and then his eyes return resolutely to the road until they’re at the hospital and rushing in.
He’s directed to pediatrics and sent to wait in the waiting room for a Dr. Penvrane. Cecilia is curled up beside him, asleep, and Clara’s half-heartedly flipping through some colorful magazine on a table. They haven’t woken up at five in the morning since last Christmas, and all three of them are exhausted, but Benj refuses to go home until his daughter has some comfort.
“Cecilia Gray?” a voice with a Welsh lilt calls, “We’ll take you in room three.” Benj stands and picks up Cecilia, and Clara follows him into the room. He skims the wall, passing through several name plaques of the doctors, before his eyes land on the bright green three in front of a door, and he enters.
A doctor is already waiting for him with a file open on the counter, and a look of recognition passes through her hazel eyes when she looks up at him. It’s the same woman from the football game who he’d mildly clashed with. Today, however, she isn’t battling with Benj over his choice of drinks for little league games and instead motions for him to enter.
Benj takes a step inside but then pauses. “You’re Dr. Penvrane?”
“Yes,” she replies simply.
“I was expecting a man,” he says before he can stop himself, and when she gives him a look of horror, he quickly adds, “I mean, that man from football whose son plays defense, his last name is Penvrane, isn’t it?”
“That’s my brother. He’s not a doctor,” returns Tatiana.
Benj glances at the door. “Why does this say Dr. Swifte?”
Her lips tighten perceptibly into a thin line. “They mean Dr. Penvrane. They just haven’t changed the door plaques in several years. You’re here to see me.”
Benj remains rooted to the spot. He’s a rather trusting man, but one lukewarm experience with this woman already makes him a little bit wary. Then, however, Cecilia mutters something about how her head hurts, and he remembers that he can’t afford to be doubtful when his daughter’s health is at stake. He puts her down carefully on the treatment table. “She woke me up a few hours ago saying that her head hurt. Her temperature was a bit elevated, and I gave her water and stayed up with her for a little bit, but then she started to get sweaty and vomited.”
Tatiana puts her stethoscope to her ears and lifts the other end. Immediately, Cecilia leans away, but Tatiana says something in quiet, comforting tones that Benj can’t quite make out, and his daughter slowly straightens and allows the doctor to place the stethoscope on her chest and then her back.
Benj has never been very good with hospitals or medical procedures, so she just watches the doctor work as she steps between Cecilia and the counter to grab a thermometer or small light. He answers her straightforward questions the best that he can, but what he’s most impressed by is her calm demeanor. Cecilia is young, and not quite timid, but she doesn’t like strangers, and yet even she tries to answer some of the doctor’s questions by pointing to her head or her throat.
At last, Tatiana steps away and reaches for her prescription pad. “She just has the flu,” she tells Benjamin as she scribbles down something on the pad. “I’m prescribing some Tamiflu for her. Just make sure that she gets plenty of bed rest and a lot of fluids along with it, and she should be alright within a week.”
He takes the prescription with some relief and notices that Cecilia is dozing again on the treatment table – understandable, considering that she’s been awake since about three in the morning. He scoops her up again and looks to the woman. “Thank you, Dr. Penvrane.”
“Of course, Mr. Gray,” she answers, offering his older daughter a lollipop. Clara’s perked up after being awake for an hour or so, and takes two gratefully, explaining to the doctor that she’s taking one for Cecilia too after she wakes up again.
Benj starts for the door, and then feels compelled to say something else. No matter their brief, previous disagreement, she still saw his daughter this early in the morning and treated her, and he feels he owes her at least some extra courtesy. “I’ll see you at the next football game,” he adds.
“I’ll be there,” answers Tatiana, glancing up from her report.
Benj is about to say something else when Cecilia announces that she’s really sleepy, and Benj adjusts her in his grip. “Duty calls,” he says apologetically as he starts out. “See you around.”
Unfortunately for Tatiana, the next football game is the one that it’s Frankie’s turn to come to, and she offers him a polite, if somewhat strained, greeting before excusing herself to go make sure that the snacks for the kids are ready during their break. Her brother had to miss today’s game, with some last minute case cropping up at the police station, but she’d promised that she’d keep an eye out for any goals that Jude makes. He’s on offense today and extremely excited about it.
Saying her greetings to the usual crowd, Tatiana slips past them toward the snack table. The fruits of the week are apples this time, and she begins slicing them with a knife. Someone passes by her, but she pays them no mind until there’s a voice near her ear asking, “Don’t fruits have simple sugars too?”
Tatiana almost jumps and slices the skin off her thumb, but she just manages to hit the apple with her knife instead. She puts it down to see Benjamin Gray watching her curiously from her shoulder, and lets out a small sigh. “They do,” she answers, “but they have fiber as well. It’s not quite the same.”
Benj quirks a grin. “I’m pretty sure all sugars are the same.”
Tatiana is about to inform him that he’s wrong because there’s glucose and fructose and maltose and a hundred others that she’s learned about years ago but has forgotten completely now, but she pauses. He’s technically arguing the right thing, because there’s not much of a difference between those types of sugars in food. She hates being proven wrong so much that it surprises even her when she replies with, “You’re right.”
The man has the courtesy to look surprised as well, and Tatiana feels compelled to add, “That they both have simple sugars. It’s still better to give children fruits, though.”
“And here I thought that giving my girls Gatorade for every meal counted as getting their daily recommended number of fruits.” Benj pauses and then adds quickly, “That was a joke, by the way. I don’t mean to sound rude or anything, I was just teasing.”
And Tatiana, just because she’s Tatiana and it’s been a long time since she’s interacted with anyone like this, shoots him a deadpan look. “I don’t think it’s funny.”
Benj backtracks hastily, “Oh no, I don’t mean to be rude or ungrateful or anything, it’s just that we got off on the wrong foot last time a little bit without really meaning to – I was just having a long day and I felt attacked even though I shouldn’t have because you’re right, I did look it up and kids don’t actually need too many electrolytes -”
“Mr. Gray,” Tatiana cuts him off, seeing his face turning a brilliant shade of red that she hadn’t thought it could reach. “I’m not offended, really. I was just teasing you back a little bit. How’s Cecilia, by the way?”
“Oh.” The normal coloring begins to return to his face as he offers her a hesitant smile. He really does have a nice smile, notes Tatiana rather somewhat subconsciously. It’s a shame that he doesn’t smile very often, but she’s seen that same sort of smile directed to his daughter when she comes running to him after a match or practice. “She’s doing well. The flu only really lasted about half a week, and she was back to her usual energy a few days later. I can’t keep her still now.”
“Sounds like my Isabelle,” Tatiana replies fondly. “She’s so active even when she’s sick, even when I tell her that she needs to rest, and somehow her energy multiplies when she’s at full health again. I’m not sure how it happens. Children seem to need to recharge far less than we do.”
“They do,” agreed Benj before glancing at the field. “Is Isabelle your daughter? I thought you had a son. What positions do they play?”
“I do have a son,” Tatiana adds, nodding toward the field. Amory is a little more confident today, after a few practices, and he walks back and forth in front of the goal even if the ball is on the other side of the field. “His name’s Amory, he’s the goalie. My daughter’s only four, she’s…” Tatiana casts a look around and spies her daughter with Clover and Iris again near a patch of flowers. “She’s over there,” she adds with a point at the blonde.
Benj looks confused again. “Amory’s your son?” he asks. “I saw you with a boy last time, but I didn’t realize it was Amory. I don’t mean to pry, but,” he hesitates, seemingly at war with himself, and then asks, “The coach keeps calling him Swifte, and I wasn’t sure if that had anything to do with you, after what it says in the hospital and all.”
The topic is always a sore one for Tatiana, but she manages to keep a smile plastered on her lips anyway as she answers. “He’s Amory Penvrane,” she answers confidently. “The coach is an old friend of mine, and she just forgets sometimes.” Plenty of the other football parents know her story, and she’s a bit surprised they haven’t passed it onto Benjamin, but she settles for the simplest version right now. “He used to be Amory Swifte, but our situation changed, and with my husband no longer in the picture, we all switched our names back to my maiden name.”
“Oh.” Benj’s eyes widen. “I’m sorry to hear that, and for invading. I just was a bit confused with things at the hospital, and a little bit paranoid because Cece was sick that I didn’t really realize that you were who I was meant to be seeing. I’m sorry about that, again, Dr. Penvrane.”
“Consider it forgiven, Mr. Gray,” Tatiana replies graciously, waving her hand, “And please, call me Tatiana. Or Tatty.”
“Tatty,” Benj replies, trying out the name on his tongue. “Then please, call me Benj. I really mean what I said when I apologized for getting off on the wrong foot with you last time.”
“It’s not your fault, I’m just a little bit high-strung about health sometimes,” Tatiana replies quickly. She doesn’t like to take the blame, but it’s been a week, and she acknowledges that perhaps she was a bit harsher than she needed to be. “Comes with the profession, I guess. What do you do?”
“Oh, I’m an accountant,” Benj answers easily.
Tatiana almost lifts her eyebrows in surprise, but catches herself. However, he seems to catch something flitting across her face and lets out a small laugh and rubs the back of his neck. “I get that response a lot,” he admits.
“It’s not a bad profession at all,” defends Tatiana quickly, “I just – I mean, you strike me as a very dynamic type.”
Benj nods sagely. “It wasn’t my first choice,” he answers with a small shrug, “but my whole family are accountants and it pays the bills so that I can raise my girls comfortably, so I’m not ungrateful.” He hesitates, and she senses there’s something more he wants to say. Their gazes meet, and he opens his mouth again, “I did always want to go into social work, though.”
She finds her lips curving up slightly. “Now that sounds something that you’d like.” She pauses, and then realizes what she says and averts her eyes. “I mean, that’s what the other parents say, at least – not that I’ve asked specifically, but, well, word kind of gets around,” she shrugs quickly and closes her mouth.
By some struck of luck, he hadn’t noticed her babble and instead nods again, lost in thought. “It’s just, I don’t know, with family life and all, I had to settle into something stable. I do always wonder if I could change my mind now, though, and do what I really want, but it’s a little hard when the girls depend only on me, and I don’t want to let them down when I’m all they have, you know?”
Tatiana hums lightly in reply. One of the other mothers had told her during practice the other day that Benjamin Gray was single – his wife wasn’t in the picture either, some way or the other, but he’d been sensitive enough not to ask about her situation, so she wouldn’t ask about his. She’s about to say something when his eyes widen.
“That was a lot to drop on you all of a sudden,” Benj adds with a nervous laugh. “But anyway, being a pediatrician! That’s pretty cool! What’s the best hospital story you have?”
She’s about to tell him when there’s the sound of shouting and a whistle blown from the field. Immediately, they both whip their heads around to the source and find their children in what looks like a screaming match with each other while the other team stands there, dumbfounded. Benj and Tatiana immediately step away from the sidelines and toward the field, where a frazzled Ariel is trying to calm down the situation.
“This wouldn’t have happened if you were doing your job!” Clara accuses the boy.
They’re both about the same height normally, but Amory seems to shrink a little bit while Clara bristles. “I didn’t mean to,” he replies miserably. “I was trying to kick the ball out, I didn’t mean to kick it backwards!”
“Well, now that’s a point for them. How could you be so dumb?”
Tatiana senses that Amory is dangerously close to tears, so she steps in. “Hey, it’s alright,” she assures his son, where he is firmly clamping his lips shut to prevent himself from retorting something back at Clara. “I know that it was just an accident. Your team will forgive you.” The other members look a bit disappointed, to be fair, but it’s only Clara who looks actually angry.
Benj lays a hand on his daughter’s shoulder. “Clara, that’s enough, he was trying to do his job. And next time he’ll make sure to kick it out, right, buddy?” he asks, directing the last comment to Amory. Tatiana is relieved by it – Amory looks up, eyes wide, and then nods hastily in reply.
Clara, however, looks less convinced, and Benj let out a small sigh before squeezing her shoulder. “Alright, just apologize to Amory, and we can go back to the game,” he prompts his daughter, who looks up in horror at her father. He stares back, and she sighs and turns back to Amory. “Sorry for calling you dumb,” she mutters under her breath as if it physically pains her.
Tatiana nods, satisfied. “What do you say to that?” she prompts her son.
“Thank you for apologizing, I accept,” Amory mumbles back exactly the way that Tatiana taught him. The woman sees Benj conceal a laugh, but she keeps her eyes on her son now as she says. “That’s better. Why don’t you hug it out now?”
Now, both Clara and Benj look at her as if she’s grown two heads. “Hug?” Clara says in shock.
Tatiana nods, a little bit self-consciously. “Just so there are no hard feelings,” she adds, trying to sound confident. It’s mentioned in a lot of those pediatric books she reads – confrontations that look as if they’re going to get physical aren’t usually fully resolved until there is some physical conclusion, and she figures that they’re a bit young to shake hands.
The two size each other up, and Benj whispers quietly to Clara, “Do not try to crush him.” They meet halfway in a hug that lasts all of half a second before stepping away and wrinkling their noses at the ground in distaste.
Ariel, who has been watching this entire exchange in bemusement, finally straightens again. “Alright, now that that’s cleared up – we’re going to start again, alright?”
The parents take that as their cue to leave the field and their children behind now that the feud is over, and Tatiana could sense Benj’s shoulders shaking in small laughter. “What?” she asks after a few seconds of this.
“Does the hugging thing actually work with kids?” Benj asks in amusement. “I can hug Clara to calm her down, but I’ve never seen her hug anyone else when she’s upset or angry. I’m just glad that she didn’t try to push Amory down.”
“It works pretty well with my kids,” replies Tatiana thoughtfully, “but then again, they’re usually pretty peaceful.” Like she was on the outside, even though internally, every day was a constant struggle not to argue with a snide patient or co-worker.
They return to the refreshment table, and Benj helps her cut apples. Halftime is called a few minutes later, and the children come rushing out to devour the pieces. The mood is significantly higher for the children now that one of the members of their team have scored a goal, and Tatiana is just passing out more pieces of the fruit when Benj nudges her in the side and nods with his head to the left. She looks up, and is surprised by the sight. Clara and Amory sit beside each other, chattering loudly and trading pieces of apples. She catches Benj’s eyes, and this time it’s her who breaks out in silent laughter.
Of course, a few minutes later, they get into another argument on the field that’s broken by Ariel swiftly changing around their positions so they won’t interact as much.
When the game ends and the sweaty children return to their parents, Tatiana is surprised to see Clara and Amory chattering again as they approach the bench where her and Benj have taken up residence to watch the match, and they go for Benj first.
“Can Amory come over?” Clara asks, pointing to the boy as if it’s unclear to who she’s referring to. “He says that he’s good at Just Dance, and I really want to beat you at that one song you have the high score in.”
Benj glances over at Tatiana for permission. She hesitates only a moment to look at her son, who’s nodding along eagerly, and then gives Benj a nod of her own for approval. “Amory’s Mum says it’s okay,” he says with a smile to his daughter before he turns back to Tatiana. “This weekend?”
She goes over her schedule and Amory’s in her head before nodding. “That sounds perfect,” she replies, standing up and brushing a hand affectionately over Amory’s sweaty curls. Another thought occurs to her. “Oh! I don’t have your number.”
Benj fumbles for his phone in his pocket. “Right, right. Here.” They swap phones quickly, and Tatiana tries not to feel like she’s in high school again, when she giggled when she traded numbers and entered her name with a heart. She’s far more professional now – though she takes care to write Tatty instead of Tatiana before she hands back the phone.
“I’ll call you about it later,” she promises, lifting her hand in farewell as the kids chorus their goodbyes, and then makes her way over to the side of the pitch where Clover and Isabelle are having a very serious conversation. Iris has already ambled back over to her father.
Clover turns when she approaches, and tells her very seriously, “I just asked Belle to marry me.”
“Oh?” Tatiana is intrigued. “And what did she say?”
“I said yes, of course!” replies Isabelle, flapping her hand impatiently at her mother. “But now we can’t decide if we want daffodils at the wedding or clovers -”
“Her nickname or my name,” supplies Clover unnecessarily.
“But we decided on the cake! You’ll make me a chocolate cake for my wedding, won’t you Mummy?” Belle turns her brown eyes on her mother and gives her the look that always makes Tatiana so tempted to just give in and give her an extra cookie before dinner.
“Of course,” replies Tatiana, helping her daughter stand up. “But I think that we should talk to Aunt Seren first, alright?”
The children are unperturbed. “I’ll tell Dad,” Clover announces, “see you later Belle! And Amory! And Aunt Tatty!” He freezes. “Can I still call you Aunt Tatty after Belle and I get married?”
Tatiana is saved from answering when Frankie calls, and Clover waves at them quickly and darts away without waiting for an answer. She reaches down for each of her children’s hands in amusement as they walk away from the field. “So that was quite an eventful day for both of you, wasn’t it?” she asks, unable to keep the mirth out of her voice.
“Yeah,” Belle says dreamily before turning to her brother. “Amory, will you be my maid of honor?”
Amory looks starstruck. “I would love to be,” he tells her very seriously, and Tatiana has to listen to them discussing the semantics of if the wedding should take place on the football field or in her backyard (the football field is currently winning) the whole ride home.
Benj would be lying if he said that he wasn’t a little nervous. It wasn’t that Clara never had playdates, because her and Rio had practically been raised together and spent half their time at each others’ houses, and she was always asking to go over to Jack’s or Nadine’s or Elias’s house, but something about this was different. For one, he’d invited over Tatiana and both of her children; secondly, he was sure that he was going to embarrass himself around her; and finally – he had no idea what they were going to do.
It was an unbearably hot day, the kind that usually had Benj and his daughters lying on the couch and complaining about how hot it was every few minutes while they steadily demolished the supply of popsicles in the freezer, but today he had hastily picked up a few scattered toys on the ground and shoved them into a closet and tried to make himself look presentable.
Tatiana arrives in the late afternoon with both of her children, and all of them look about as melted as Benj felt. “It’s so hot,” she says by way of greeting, and then holds out a small package to him. “I brought you some chocolate, but I think it’s melted on the way, I’m so sorry.”
“That’s alright,” he assures her as he steps aside to let them in. “Clara and Cece love chocolate. They’ll probably devour this as soon as I freeze it.”
He goes to do just that as they enter his home, and Amory and Isabelle immediately approach Clara, who is draped over an arm of the couch. “Do you still want to play Just Dance?” Amory asks, “Isabelle does ballet, so she’s really good at dancing.”
Clara pulls herself off of the couch with some effort. “I would, but it’s way too hot to right now,” she groans, and Amory and Isabelle don’t even argue with her as they nestle themselves on the couch between her and Cecilia on the other end.
“Global warming,” Benj says mock-wisely from the fridge. Tatiana has joined him in the kitchen now, and he turns to her thoughtfully. “Maybe we should wait until it cools down a bit to let them play Just Dance.”
“Good idea,” agrees Tatiana quickly. “We should keep them hydrated.”
The words spark a thought. Benj’s gaze turns purposefully to his backyard. “I’ve got an idea,” he announces. “Come on, kids, let’s go out for a little bit.”
Tatiana stares at the scene a minute later. “Your idea was just to let them run through the sprinklers?” she asks.
Benj suddenly feels conscious of what he had been sure was a genius idea. “Yes?” he replies weakly.
Instead of being judgmental, Tatiana looks impressed. “That’s clever, I usually just keep the kids inside, but this will actually cool them off and let them burn off some steam.”
They’re already delightedly jumping through the small sprinklers set out to water the garden, even Cecilia who tags along behind her older sister with a fierce determination not to be left behind by the older kids. Benj already knows that he may regret this when they all come in dripping, but for now, he’s content to watch them giggling and running around in the grass.
Tatiana watches them with a fond and somewhat wistful look on her face. “That looks like a lot of fun. I’m envious that they can just run through the sprinklers to cool off.”
Benj darts a glance sideways and sees that her gaze is still focused on the children. He takes the opportunity to slip slowly toward the side of the house and reach for the hose lying inconspicuously on the ground. In one smooth motion, he turns it on and points it at Tatiana.
She lets out a shriek in surprise as the water hits her, and then turns to give him a betrayed look that he tries to spray off as well. He’s laughing so hard that he doesn’t notice her running at him until she knocks into him, and the laugh slides off of his lips as they both go tumbling down. The hose slips from his grip and splashes water all over both of them.
Benj sits up and pushes back the dripping curls plastered to his face. “I was just trying to cool you off!” he protests.
“I was returning the favor,” she replies with a grin. Benj tries very hard not to appreciate how her drenched white shirt is sticking to the curves of her body, but he can’t help how his eyes skim over her when she glances at the kids.
The children seem to realize that the hose is a far more effective way to get cool than the sprinklers are, and have already come over to investigate it up close. Tatiana and Benj pull themselves to their feet and take turns spraying the kids – and each other – with water.
A little bit later, they head indoors, completely drenched. Benj hands out towels and gives Amory some of Clara’s clothes and Belle some of Cecilia’s. To Tatiana, he offers one of his own shirts and pajama pants. They’re clearly far too large for her, and the collar practically hangs off her shoulders, but they’re at least less distracting than her drenched clothes and he’s thankful for that.
Now that it’s grown cooler, the kids migrate to the TV to play Just Dance, and Benj and Tatiana start ambling around the kitchen to make dinner. “What’s your specialty?” she asks as she rifles through the fridge.
Benj leans against the counter and shoots her a grin. “I make a mean spag bol.”
Tatiana looks up thoughtfully. “Can you make it vegetarian?”
“You too, huh? Clara won’t eat meat, either, so I make a great veggie spag bol.” He gives her a curious look. “One of those things you picked up from being a doctor? Better for health and all?”
“Actually,” she confesses, “I just got really grossed out when I was a kid and found out that I was eating something that once was alive and breathed and ran around and all, so I boycotted, and it just stuck.” She shrugs. “And Amory is the same as me, except he did it because he was too stressed out by eating dinosaur chicken nuggets.”
Benj cracks a laugh, and the two of them make quick work of preparing dinner. The kids are ravenous after hours of playing in the water and then many rounds of Just Dance, and it isn’t long before they’re nodding off to sleep, and the parents are forced to shift them into Clara and Cecilia’s beds so they can get some rest.
“I should really get going,” Tatiana says somewhat nervously as she watches Benj close the door to Cecilia’s room where Belle and Cecilia are splayed out in sleep across the bed. “They’re really hard to wake up, and I don’t want to overstay your welcome.”
“It’s fine,” Benj says with a wave of his hand. As if on cue, there’s the rumbling of thunder, and a few seconds later, the much-needed downpour arrives. “Why don’t you stay for a bit, at least until the rain lets up a bit?” When Tatiana still looks doubtful, he gives her an easy smile. “I’ve got a bottle of wine I’ve been dying to open.”
That piques her interest. “Maybe just a glass,” she agrees as she follows him back out to the kitchen, where he pours them each a glass of wine. They move to the couch, where Just Dance remains on the screen, softly playing the song that the remote is hovering over.
Benj collapses onto the couch, and she follows suit a moment later, still practically swimming in his excessively large shirt. Tatiana takes a sip of her wine and lets out a contented sigh. “I haven’t had alcohol in so long,” she says wistfully. “I was pregnant, and then breastfeeding for a while, and just never got back into it afterward until now.” She takes another sip thoughtfully, not at all embarrassed by her words; he’s a fellow parent, and she knows these topics aren’t taboo to him at all.
“Amory and Isabelle are pretty close in age,” agrees Benj after he considers it for a minute. “You didn’t get much of a break in between, did you?”
“No, I didn’t,” chuckles Tatiana, “I didn’t really expect either of them, but I did always want kids who were pretty close in age, so it worked out. And their father did as well.” The wine seems to make her tongue a little looser, Benj notices, and he figures that now is as good a time to broach the topic.
“You vaguely mentioned him before,” Benj starts lightly, “And I don’t mean to pry, and you definitely don’t need to tell me if you don’t want to, but can I ask why he’s not in the picture anymore?” He doesn’t want to make assumptions until she confirms them.
Tatiana hesitates a moment before she lowers the glass from her lips. “His name is Easton Swifte,” she says slowly. “He’s an entomologist. And he’s in the Amazon right now.”
That was not what Benj was expecting to hear. He blinks in surprise. “Pardon?”
“Easton and I were childhood friends,” she adds, swirling around the wine in her glass. “We started dating when we were teenagers and got married right out of school, and then we had Amory and Isabelle. Things were good for a while but,” she lets out a small shrug, “It’s hard to have a relationship and a family when you’re a doctor, you know? Especially if your partner isn’t very supportive.”
“He wanted you to quit?” Benj is shocked.
“It wasn’t so much that he wanted me to quit, but he just couldn’t take me not being home for long periods of time or having to deal with the kids when I wasn’t there. Am and Belle were so young, and East and I used to argue a lot about it. We couldn’t find a solution and, well, we just fell out of love, I suppose. I never thought that that was possible until it happened.” She shrugs and takes another sip of her wine.
“Anyway,” Tatiana goes on, “About a year and a half ago, I got this really amazing opportunity to do a fellowship in emergency pediatrics, which I’ve always wanted to do, but it meant that I’d be home a little less often for about a year. The kids were alright with it. East wasn’t. He didn’t understand why being a doctor was important to me, and he couldn’t deal with the kids. He accused me of choosing my work over my family.” She’s silent for a minute and then bursts out, “and I wasn’t, my work is just important to saving the lives of children, I can’t just ignore it! And then he accused me of being selfish that I was considering it, and so I gave it up.”
She lets out a deep breath. “But we kept fighting, and a few weeks later, he got an offer to study some kind of beetle in the Amazon, and I told him to take it and – get this – he said that he already had accepted. After he accused me of caring about my job more than our children! So I told him not to bother coming back. Then we got divorced, he left, and I got sole custody. And that’s why they’re Amory and Isabelle Penvrane now, and I’m no longer Dr. Swifte.”
Tatiana’s eyes meet his, and he notices that they’re a little watery. “I’m sorry,” she says a second later, swiping at them with her hand. “I just haven’t laid it all out in a while. Usually all the football parents fill each other in about my story and come to their own judgments and call me a neglectful mother behind my back, which is their right to think but it’s really not fair -”
“Hey,” Benj says softly, and she stops babbling. “I don’t think you’re neglectful at all. You have an extremely demanding job, raise two kids by yourself, and you come to all of Amory’s football games, even if everyone’s five years old and they all play like shit. Don’t argue, you know I’m right,” he says when she opens her mouth. “If you marry a doctor and raise a family with her, you have to know that you have to be supportive and flexible. I’m really sorry about Easton. He sounds like a twat.”
“He is,” agrees Tatiana, and her eyes are a little less watery now. She lifts up her glass for another sip, but finds that her cup is empty, and reaches out to refill it from the bottle. “Anyway,” she says, her voice a little more steady, “I never got your story, either. Why are you a single parent?”
Benj feels the need to chug the rest of the wine in his glass before he talks, and he does. “Oh, that. It’s a simpler story. I’m a widower.”
“Oh,” Tatiana sits up straight, her eyes wide. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to be insensitive.”
“No, you’re alright,” he says as he too fills up his glass. “Lily and I met in university. We sat next to each other in classes and I always needed to borrow a pencil from her because I forgot mine. We dated for a few years, and then got married nearly right out of school, too, and had Clara so I figured that I needed a job that paid, and became an accountant. And Cece was born a few years later.” He takes a sip to steel himself. “She was in a car accident right after Christmas. Another car slid on the ice and into her. I had no idea how to tell my girls when I got the phone call.”
Tatiana keeps her lips pressed together in sympathy, and Benj takes this as his cue to go on. “So, I’ve been doing the best that I can on my own. My best mates Reece and Seth come over all the time to help me out – Reece actually has a son who’s Clara’s age, and they’re practically inseparable. But it’s just been hard, I guess, learning to move forward especially when my daughters are either too angry or too young to fully comprehend what happened to their mother.”
Tatiana reaches forward to squeeze his shoulder, and he gives her a small smile in appreciation. “Is this why Clara gets so angry during football?” she asks gently
“Yeah, and in school too. The principal understands, but it’s hard to for a child to stop grieving, and I wouldn’t want anyone to tell her that, either. If getting angry helps her heal, I won’t stop her – I just step in when she gets violent,” Benj replies. Tatiana won’t mention it now, but she can’t help but feel that he sounds very much like a social worker right now.
What she does mention is this: “I’m really sorry to hear what happened to your wife,” she murmurs. “But, if it’s worth anything, I think you’re doing a great job raising them on your own.”
He gives her another smile in reply. The wine is beginning to make things a little fuzzy around the edges for him, painting Tatiana and the room in the gentle, sleepy tones of nighttime. The rain continues outside the window but in the silence, what they’re aware of next is the music from Just Dance still playing.
“What is this song?” asks Tatiana, turning with a yawn towards the TV as she puts down her now empty glass safely away from the couch.
Benj does the same with his as he turns to the TV. “Oh, McFly,” he says, brightening a little when he recognizes the song. “Love Is Easy, I love this one. It’s the one that I’ve got the all-time high score in and Clara keeps trying to beat me at.”
“Did they succeed today?” Tatiana asks drowsily as she leans toward the couch and faces him.
Benj mimics her action and smirks in reply. “Not even close.”
Tatiana laughs lightly. “I’ll beat it in a bit,” she promises, “I’m very competitive.”
“I don’t think you stand a chance, Tatty, but be my guest.” He covers his mouth to yawn. “In a bit, though. I’m tired.”
“Me too,” she agrees, and for a moment, he fears she’s going to finally peel herself off the couch and take her children and leave, but instead, her eyes drift shut, and his follow suit a moment later as the song from the TV drifts out slowly beside them.
If this is love, then love completes me, ‘cause it feels like I’ve been missing you.
They’re shaken awake the next morning by an irate six-year-old and a pouty five-year-old. “Belle and Cece are still asleep, but can we have pancakes?”
Benj blinks open his eyes slowly and sees the two staring back at him with curiosity, not a trace of judgment in their faces. He perceives a weight on his shoulder that is Tatiana’s head, but before he has time to dwell on it, she’s already sitting up and rubbing the sleep out of her eyes.
“Is it morning?” she asks in surprise, and then turns to the man in horror. “Benj, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to overstep -”
“You aren’t,” he assures her firmly, “I asked you to stay.” She offers him a shaky smile, and he gives her one in return, and the moment would be so beautiful if –
“Can I have chocolate chips in my pancakes?” Amory pipes up and dispels the spell.
Benj stands up and stretches. “Of course you can, bud. Did you know that shaping pancakes is another one of my specialties?” he tells Tatiana off-handedly.
She still looks a tiny bit dazed and embarrassed, but gets off of the couch too. “Did you know that one of mine is making the world’s fluffiest chocolate chip pancakes?”
Benj grins. “We’re a match made in heaven, then,” he replies, and completely misses how her cheeks turn pink as she turns away to head to the kitchen.
Things aren’t quite awkward after that day, but Tatiana can’t help but give Benj a shy smile as she spots him at the next football game. He’s helping cut the fruit this time, so she hangs back and takes a seat on the front of the bleachers with Seren.
“He’s kind of cute,” Seren comments idly, her eyes raking over the blonde man, “If lanky men and curls are your thing.”
“He’s not lanky, he’s just tall. And he’s the one I was telling you about, whose daughter gets along pretty well with Amory. Well, sometimes. Other times they bicker, but I think it’s with affection,” Tatiana replies with a little bit of fondness coloring her tone.
Seren nods, and then launches into a story about an issue she had with Violet’s carpool that draws a few other football Mums to where they’re sitting. Benj looks as if he’s about to come sit with her when he’s done and their eyes meet, but then he takes in how many other parents are sitting around her and elects to sit two rows behind instead.
At halftime, Amory comes bounding up to her in delight – he’s managed to save two goals already, he tells her, and he also didn’t kick the ball backwards – and though he greets Seren cheerfully, after he delivers his news, he gives his mother a curious look. “Why aren’t you sitting with Mr. Gray?”
“Oh, he saw me sitting here and didn’t want to bother me since I was talking to some of the other Mums,” she replies. “Besides, we haven’t sat together during football games yet. Maybe he doesn’t want to.”
Amory is perplexed. “Sitting isn’t so bad. Besides, you slept with him. What’s wrong with sitting?”
Normally, her son’s innocence is downright endearing, but this time, Tatiana turns bright red. Amory’s spoken loud enough that all of the other Mums sitting by her hear and snap their heads around, and somewhere in the back of her peripherals and a tiny bit to her right, she sees Benj’s head turn.
“Not like that,” she splutters, “Amory, sweetheart, I did not sleep with Mr. Gray.”
“Yes, you did! I woke you both up -”
The women around Tatiana are already turning to her gleefully and crowing, and Tatiana can sense Seren’s shock, but her best friend acts fast. “I think our little ones are eating mud,” she announces quickly and stands up. “Am, why don’t you go eat oranges with Violet?”
Seren leads them away from the bleachers and slightly away from the field where Clover and Belle always play together. They’re deep in discussion again, presumably about their ‘wedding’, and not at all eating mud, but Tatiana is relieved for Seren’s intervention until her best friend rounds on her.
“Spill it,” she says immediately, “did you sleep with him?”
“No!”
“Well, why not?” Seren replies, confused. “You just defended him earlier and said he wasn’t lanky.”
“He’s not,” Tatiana replies again with a sigh. “I came over with the kids for a playdate and accidentally fell asleep at his place. It wasn’t sexual at all,” she adds quickly when Seren opens her mouth.
Seren looks a little disappointed. “Well, I know that he’s single, and he seems pretty decent, and if you don’t jump on that, I will.”
“Seren!”
“No, I won’t,” Seren says a moment later, but a somewhat devious smile curves up her lips, “But you should, alright? And if he’s got any hot friends, let me know.”
“That’s not what we should focus on! Amory just announced that I slept with him, which I didn’t, and even if I did, now everyone knows!”
“They’re just jealous old bats who haven’t gotten laid in ages and want to live through your drama,” Seren says wisely. “If they say anything to you, give them the same side-eye you give Helen Rivers, alright?”
Tatiana can still feel the other women looking at her, but she sighs. “Alright,” she agrees a moment later as she turns back to start walking back to the bleachers. “How long until you think one of them tells Helen Rivers?”
It isn’t long until Helen Rivers finds out at all. In fact, as Tatiana is picking up her children from daycare after a long shift, Helen rounds on her with loud complaints about the example she’s setting for her children. After a more than twelve hour shift of being puked on, looking down throats of children with strep, and trying to ease tears, Tatiana snaps.
“Mummy,” Belle starts in a small voice as they start out of the daycare center. “You’re scary when you’re angry at other people.”
“I promise that I will never ever get that angry at either you or your brother, Daffodil,” Tatiana says sweetly as she buckles her daughter into the car seat.
Later that night, after dinner, she calls Benj. He picks up on the third ring. “Hello?”
They haven’t really spoken other than a quick and somewhat awkward goodbye at the last football game, but Tatiana jumps straight to business. “Hey, I was wondering what daycare your girls go to? I need a new one.”
There’s an amused laugh on the other end of the line. “Funny you should ask that. We were just asked to leave ours because Clara threatened to push a boy’s head through a tire swing – and then actually did it.”
Tatiana knows that she shouldn’t laugh, but her lips curve up anyway. Benj goes on, “but yeah, actually, I’m trying out a new daycare tomorrow that one of my coworkers recommended. I’ll text you the details if you’d like.”
“That would be great, thank you, Benj,” Tatiana says in relief. She pauses, and then feels the need to address it. “Anyway, about what Amory said at the last football game…”
Benj laughs again, but even she can detect that this is a more nervous laugh. “Don’t worry about it. At least maybe now some of the nosy Mums will stop trying to set me up with their friends or their sisters, so he really did us all a favor.”
“Thanks for taking it so casually,” Tatiana replies, relief evident in her tone. “Anyway, I should go. Thanks again, though.”
The new daycare, Benj realizes, is miles better than the last one. The children are nicer, the place looks cleaner and is more understanding of his situation, and the best part is that one of the daycare workers even specializes in helping children who are grieving.
The second best part, however, is that he sees Tatiana Penvrane walk in to pick up her kids at about the same time that he does, and he thinks that this is something that he wouldn’t mind at all getting used to.
“What do you think, then?” he asks her as they wait for one of the employees to retrieve their children from the playground.
“I really like it,” admits Tatiana with a small smile. “I’m not going to lie, I also left the last daycare because of a fight – but this was one that I got into with one of the other Mums.”
“Mums are brutal,” Benj replies sagely. “My own still constantly tells me off for not tucking in my shirt. But I know what you mean. I still think that football Mums are judging me for the time that I brought Gatorade.”
“Only me,” Tatiana assures Benj.
The employee returns with Clara and Cecilia, and another follows shortly behind with Amory and Belle. Both the young parents grin broadly at the sight, but their smiles turn into looks of confusion when the woman with the brunette girls tells them, “Go to Mum now, we’ll see you tomorrow!”
Benj’s heart drops at the mention of mothers, but the girls look more confused than angry or scared. “Who?” Clara manages. The employee nods at Tatiana, and Benj understands.
“Oh, no, I’m their father,” he says quickly, raising a hand as if he’s in primary school again and needs to identify himself.
The woman looks confused, and the employee behind her adds, “Yeah, they’re married. They’re both the parents, and of these two as well.”
This makes Tatiana shake her head. “Actually, no, we’re not,” she says with a small, nervous laugh. “Amory and Isabelle are my children. Benj is the one with two daughters,” she confirms.
The employees look perplexed, and the woman speaks up. “Oh. We just got confused because Clara and Cece have your hair color, and Belle is blonde, and Amory has curls – actually, never mind, I’ll sign you both out now.”
They emerged a little bit red-faced from the daycare and are hasty to say their farewells. Benj quickly gets in his own car after securing his daughters, and neither of them speak until the car starts moving.
“Are Am and Belle my brother and sister now?” Cece asks innocently. Benj almost slams the brakes.
“No, sweetheart, that’s not how it works,” he tells her, eyes flitting up to the mirror. “Clara’s your only sister, alright?”
Cecilia is unperturbed. “‘Kay,” she says, squirming in her car seat as she draws shapes in the foggy glass of the window. “But also a brother would be cool.”
There’s something about that statement that makes Benj feel simultaneously guilty and hopeful, but he doesn’t have to say anything because Clara diverts the topic to something that happened to her at school, and he’s content to let it rest there for now.
Benj has already called his older brother and sister several times, but both of them are bogged up in the airport and the train station, trying desperately to get there as fast as they can. He’s sent out word to Reece and Seth already as well, and though he knows that it’s a bit of an odd time to be calling – two in the morning, to be exact – both of them promise to be there as soon as they can.
He paces back and forth in the waiting room, restless. He hasn’t explained the situation to either Clara and Cecilia, and they sit tangled together in one of the ugly green chairs, fast asleep. The image suddenly reminds him of when he was at the very same hospital several weeks ago when Cece was sick, and he’s suddenly struck by another thought.
The receptionist is tired of him by now, but this time, he doesn’t ask for an update. Instead, Benj asks, “Can you watch my daughters? I’ll be right back.”
She gives him a sympathetic look that he doesn’t register and nods, and he rushes off to the elevator. A minute later, he emerges in pediatrics, and almost bumps right into Tatiana who is walking towards the elevator.
“Benj!” she greets him warmly, but then seems to recall where they are. “Is everything okay? Is one of the girls sick again?”
“It’s not the girls,” he says, and his throat suddenly feels dry, as if it’s about to close up any second. “It’s my Mum. She’s just been in a car accident.”
“Oh, Benj,” Tatiana deflates, and then reaches out to take his hand and squeeze it. “I’m so sorry. When did they bring her in?”
“Not long ago. She’s in the operating room right now, but they won’t even tell me if she’s okay. They’re not telling me if she’s going to live.” Benj lets out a slightly choked sound. “Tatty, I can’t breathe.”
“Come here,” she says suddenly, and leads him by the arm away from the ward. They emerge onto a balcony, and Benj takes a few, deep breaths of the cold air and tries to put his mind more at ease, but then he just feels more light-headed.
“Benj,” Tatiana says gently, “Where are Clara and Cecilia?”
“They’re in the waiting room. Seth and Reece are on their way, and the receptionist is keeping an eye on them while they sleep.” He takes a deep breath and then bursts out, “I can’t lose my Mum the same way that I lost Lily. Oh my God, when I think of how the girls lost their mother, I always feel guilty because I didn’t know what it was like to lose my own, but what if I will now? What if it’s only fair that since they don’t have a Mum, I don’t either?”
“Benj, Benj,” Tatiana reaches for his hands – he didn’t realize that they were shaking until she touches them – and holds them firmly in hers. “Don’t think like that. It’s not about what is fair and what isn’t. Your mother is going to be alright – if no one has told you that, then I will. You won’t lose her like you did with Lily.”
Benj’s throat is still dry, but he squawks out, “Promise?”
Tatiana has learned never to make promises that she knows she can’t keep, especially in her profession when everything is so uncertain, but she can’t bear to see him like this. “Promise,” she says quietly, squeezing his hands. “She’s in the OR, you said? Let’s head back down. I’ll wait with you.”
They emerge back downstairs, where his daughters are still asleep and there is still no update on his mother’s condition, and Tatiana doesn’t let go of his hands even after they take a seat in the uncomfortable chairs of the waiting room. Seth arrives first, his hair wild, and followed a few minutes later by a less disheveled Reece with his sleeping son, Riordan, in his arms. They both sit near Benj and make quiet, calming reassurances, but neither of them question why he’s holding hands with Tatiana or even who she is – that’s a question for later.
A few hours pass, long enough for Clara and Rio to wake up and beg Reece to take them to the vending machines, which he gladly does. Seth nods off in the seat beside Cecilia and snores quietly. Morning breaks, but Tatiana and Benj don’t move until a nurse asks, “Is Charlotte Gray’s son here?”
Benj looks as if he’s been in a trance, but he breaks out of it suddenly and stands. Seth jerks awake, and Reece looks over from the magazine he’s been anxiously flipping through. Tatiana, however, keeps her eyes on Benj.
“Your mother’s alive. She’s going to make it,” the nurse says, and Benj’s shoulders droop suddenly in relief, all the tension from the last few hours leaving it in one sudden movement. “It’s lucky that she got in so quickly. She’s resting now, but you can probably see her in an hour or two,” the nurse adds.
“Thank you so much,” Benj says, and his voice is a little breathless. The nurse nods and leaves, and he turns around and collapses back into his seat with a sigh. “She’s going to be okay,” he relays to the rest of them as if they hadn’t been listening in.
“Mate, I’m so glad,” Seth says, reaching over to pat his friend’s shoulder.
“Mrs. Gray’s made of iron,” Reece adds with a small smile. “You need to eat, Benj. I’m going to go get you a coffee and a pastry. Do the rest of you want anything?”
“I’ll come with you,” Seth replies, and then the pair of six-year-olds are declaring that they want something too. They all depart a moment later, leaving Benj and Tatiana with Cece, who’s still asleep in her chair.
Benj turns to look at Tatiana. “I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you sat with me during this. Thank you so much, Tatty. I just really needed someone to calm me down.”
“No problem,” she says with a genuine smile.
He glances down as if noticing for the first time that she’s dressed normally. “You aren’t wearing scrubs?”
“Actually, I was just about to head home when I ran into you,” she admits, tucking back a dark lock of hair that’s slipped out from her ponytail. “The kids are sleeping over at my brother’s today, though, so he won’t mind at all that I’m back late.”
“I didn’t even think that I might be holding you up, I’m sorry,” Benj says, and he looks guilty.
“Don’t apologize, I wanted to stay with you,” Tatiana says firmly.
Benj smiles at her, and he looks so exhausted that she wants to tell him to sleep, but she already knows that he won’t until he’s seen his mother and verified her condition for himself. “Again, thank you.” He’s quiet for a moment, and she thinks that’s the end of it, but then he says quietly, “They said that it’s lucky she got here so fast. That’s what saved her. Lily wasn’t found right away because she was driving on a small road, and I didn’t even think to call because she was just heading for the grocery store. Maybe I could have saved her just like Mum was saved if I’d gotten her help in time -”
“Benj,” Tatiana says suddenly, knowing that once he starts on this path, it’s a very slippery slope, “Your mother is alive and will be okay. Don’t dwell on maybes. There’s nothing you could have done, okay?”
Benj doesn’t look thoroughly convinced. He nods slowly at her in a way that makes her think that maybe he doesn’t really believe. “You’re probably right,” he says quietly, but he’s looking at the ground.
Something in Tatiana’s stomach feels like it drops. “I should probably get going now,” she says, standing up slowly to stretch her cramped limbs. “Will you text me after you see your Mum so I know everything’s alright?”
“I will,” Benj nods quickly. His golden curls are a little wild from being squashed against the plastic seat, and his eyes are rimmed with red from exhaustion, but he’s smiling in a way that makes her believe he’s truly thankful.
But Tatiana’s still caught on something else, and she offers him only a quick wave before she’s hurrying out of the hospital.
“Seren told me that you slept with some Dad whose kid plays football with Amory,” Chastity tells her by way of greeting when they meet for coffee.
“I didn’t,” replies Tatiana, reddening as the person beside her looks over at them with an eyebrow raised.
“Yeah, she mentioned that, too,” Chastity adds with a smirk as she sips the drink in front of her. “But why not? You’re both single, aren’t you?”
“Well, yes, but he’s not divorced. He’s a widower.” Tatiana stares at the plastic lid on her cup.
“Why does that make a difference?”
“I don’t think that he’s over his ex-wife,” she says with some difficulty, looking up to meet Chastity’s green eyes.
This keeps Chastity silent for a moment. “Alright, maybe that’s true. I don’t know him,” her friend says thoughtfully, tapping her fingers against the counter, “but you haven’t even tried. And you haven’t been on a single date since you got divorced!”
“I went on one,” Tatiana mutters darkly.
Chastity has the grace to look a little bit sheepish. “What, you dated Will for a bit when you were a teenager, I thought that you might hit it off again!”
“We did not.”
“Anyway,” she waves this away. “I don’t mean to sound like that hag Helen Rivers, but maybe she’s right in the sense that it’s time you did move on. I’m not saying that you need to re-marry, or find your kids a father or anything, but it would be nice to have something stable for you at least, wouldn’t it?”
Tatiana almost laughs at the irony. Chastity, the successful businesswoman, the perpetual bachelorette with no kids of her own because she claims they’re too much work, is telling her to settle down. “Maybe,” she replies after a moment, “but I don’t know if it’ll be with Benj. I do like him,” she admits, cheeks turning faintly pink, “but I don’t know if he’s ready for anything else right now, and I have to be okay with that.”
Chastity takes a sip of her coffee. “Maybe you don’t even need to date him,” she says thoughtfully. “Maybe you just need to sleep with him.”
“Chas!”
“You haven’t gotten laid in two years!” Chastity replies, smiling lecherously, “that’s a lot of time for pent-up sexual frustration! Maybe he just needs a good shag to move on.”
“I’m leaving,” threatens Tatiana without making any motion to get up.
“Tatty?” a voice asks, and Tatiana nearly jumps out of her seat in wild panic because of course she’d be interrupted now of all times – but then she takes a look to the side and is relieved to be greeted by Reece’s face instead. Riordan hangs back by a foot, gnawing on some pastry.
“Oh, Reece, hello,” she says smoothly. “It’s nice to see you around. This is my friend, Chastity,” she nods at the redhead, who waves in hello, “Chas, this is Reece. He’s one of Benj’s friends.”
She can practically see the gears turning in her friend’s head, but she ignores them and turns to Reece now instead. “I just thought that I should come over and say hello,” Reece says brightly before he pauses, “And, er, thanks for being there for Benj. He’s been through a lot over the past year, and I think you really helped him with his Mum thing. It would have taken a while for Seth and I to calm him down if you weren’t there.”
“Oh, no problem,” Tatiana adds with a wave of her hand. It’s really the least she can do. Her own father died in a car crash when she’d been pregnant with Isabelle, so she completely understands how Benj must have felt while waiting for hours outside of the operating room.
Reece looks a little bit uncomfortable as he glances between Chastity, who’s watching them closely, and Rio, who is practically inhaling whatever pastry he’s eating, but he finally turns back to Tatiana. “Listen,” he says gently, “I don’t really know what’s going on between you two, but, er, just be delicate, alright? You know how things have been for him, and I don’t want to see him getting hurt.”
Tatiana is perplexed. “What?”
“I think Benj really likes you,” replies Reece, lowering his voice slightly so that his son doesn’t hear, “And I think the only reason he hasn’t done anything about it is that he’s not sure if you feel the same way, or that he feels guilty for moving on after Lily. So, whatever happens, just be careful, alright?”
“Okay,” Tatiana replies, still a little bit flustered and confused.
Reece nods, satisfied, and steps back. “Anyway, I’ll see you around. Rio and I are going to the zoo.” He waves at them, gives Chastity a polite nod, and guides his son towards the door.
Tatiana steels herself and turns back to Chastity, who’s grinning like the Cheshire Cat. Or the Chashire Cat, which would be more accurate in this case.
“That doesn’t mean I’m going to ask him out,” she says immediately.
Chastity smirks more broadly. “Remember, I said that you didn’t have to date him, you could just -”
“Chas!”
It isn’t until several weeks later, after multiple soccer games and crossing paths at daycare and then a few more playdates with their kids, that Tatiana has to actually think about what Reece had said to her.
The two of them are standing by the water cooler, watching the game. It’s Frankie’s turn to come to games, and Daniel is somewhere by the front of the bleachers and cheering loudly for Jude, and for once, the other Mums aren’t smirking at her as if they know something that Tatiana doesn’t whenever she interacts with Benj. In fact, they’re giving her space right now, and she thinks it’s probably because it’s an exciting game, but she can’t help but secretly agree with what Benj says about it – they’re all kids, and their playing really is shit.
She’s watching Amory pace back in forth in front of the goal, and half misses what Benj says. “Dinner? Oh, I usually make soup or pasta and hide vegetables in the sauce so they’ll eat it,” she says absently, catching onto one word.
Benj lets out a nervous laugh, and she glances to the side at him. “That wasn’t what I was asking,” he replies shyly, and rubs the back of his neck as he seems to do when he gets anxious. “I just wanted to know if you maybe wanted to get dinner sometime with me?”
Tatiana doesn’t understand why he’s so nervous. “I’m working most of next week, and Isabelle’s ballet recital is on Friday night, so I think the only time that we’re all free is Saturday, is that okay?”
He looks like a deer caught in headlights. “Actually,” he says, and then coughs, “I meant just me and you. If that’s okay,” he says quickly, “I don’t want to overstep or anything.”
It clicks for Tatiana, and her hazel eyes widen. “Right,” she says quickly, and remembers what Reece said. Is this Benj making a move? Is it just meant to be friendly? She can’t deliberate too long when Benj is watching her with wide blue eyes for an answer, so she chooses the most obvious option. “I’d love to,” she says with a smile.
Chastity agrees to watch her kids for the night; in fact, she volunteers herself for the task as soon as Tatiana calls her to tell her about the date. She waves them off at the door when Benj picks her up and takes her to the restaurant.
She’s fairly confident that this is meant to be a date now. Without the kids, there’s almost an air of formality over them at first. It’s the longest that they’ve been alone together without their kids interrupting them since the night that they drank wine and fell asleep on his couch. He pulls out the chair for her at the restaurant, and it’s almost awkward at first, but then he makes a joke, she laughs, and then they both ease into it.
The date really isn’t too different to the way that they talk when they’re just standing together at football games or making conversation while waiting to pick their kids up from daycare, and Tatiana is scared at first that that means that she’s out of practice with dating, but when Benj is smiling at her like this, she thinks that she can’t be doing too badly.
The only rough patch they hit isn’t really a rough patch at all, when they’re bickering over what to get for dessert, and Tatiana is adamant on something with chocolate and Benj is adamantly against it – but then he reveals that he was just arguing with her because it was amusing and gives in.
The drive home is less awkward than the drive there, but as they near her house, Tatiana starts to get a little bit anxious. Is he going to walk her to the door? Will he kiss her goodbye? Is he going to say that he wants to do this again? All the worries that she’s had as a teenager and had only just started dating flood back to her, and she has to remind herself that she’s well past that point right now. Still, she interlaces the fingers of her hands in her lap to keep herself from fidgeting too much.
She gets out of the car quickly when he pulls up into her driveway, and then he shuts the engine off and follows her to the door. She wonders if she should invite him in, but she decides that that’s not something most people do on a first date, so she hangs by the door for a minute. Benj seems just as much at a loss for words as she is, and they both just stand there silently for a few seconds.
And then they speak at the same time.
“Oh, sorry, you go first,” Benj says quickly.
Tatiana had just been about to say the same thing to him. “I just wanted to thank you for such a great night. I haven’t gotten to do anything like that in a while, and I really enjoyed myself.”
Benj’s eyes crinkle slightly at the corners when he smiles back at her. “I did, too. And, er, I don’t know if it’s too soon to ask, but if you want to do this another time…?”
“Yes,” she answers, perhaps a bit too quickly, but the relief on his face is worth it.
They don’t seem to know what to do next, and after a few seconds, she turns toward the door. “I should probably let you get back to your girls now,” she says, fumbling in her purse for her keys.
Benj seems as if he’s about tell her goodbye and leave, but he hesitates a moment longer. “I should,” he says, but doesn’t move, and Tatiana turns back around to face him.
Her back is to the door, and he seems so much taller than her now. She’s not sure when he’s stepped closer, but her eyes dart down to his lips briefly. He seems to catch the movement, and then he leans down. Tatiana meets him halfway by boosting herself up to her toes.
It’s not as chaste and nowhere as quick as a goodnight kiss after a date usually is, but it’s her first kiss in almost two years, and Tatiana melts into it and his touch when he hesitantly wraps an arm around her waist. She slides her own arms around his neck to keep them steady, and it feels like it’s been years when she finally pulls away, out of breath.
Benj is grinning back at her stupidly, and she can’t help but let out a bashful laugh as she slowly unwinds her hands from his neck and stands with her feet flat on the ground. “Goodnight, Benj.”
“Night, Tatty.” He grins at her a moment longer before he steps away, and she watches him get into his car with a spring in his step. She finally turns away and opens the door, and she closes it behind her and sinks against it with a satisfied sigh.
Chastity is standing in the entrance with a smirk on her face. “So I take it that your date went well?”
“Very well,” replies Tatiana, her cheeks still pink, but she beams.
“You don’t think that I’m moving on too quickly, do you?” Benj asks Seth as they stand in his kitchen. They’d been cooking, but Seth has nearly cut off his thumb while chopping vegetables, so he’s instead been put on duty to watch the pasta as it boils.
“I don’t really think that’s for anyone but you to decide,” Seth says, keeping his gaze on the pot of water. “You’re the only one who can decide if and when you’re ready.”
“I mean, it’s been close to a year now,” Benj says as he looks up from the cutting board. “The kids are even okay with it. I don’t feel guilty about it anymore, but should I be? I mean, Lily was my wife. I loved her. She wouldn’t be upset if she knew that I was dating someone else after nearly a year, right?”
“Lily would want you to be happy,” Seth says firmly. “It doesn’t matter how soon after her death you started dating, or who you started dating. She wouldn’t want to keep you from moving on.”
Benj wants to believe him. Lily had been one his best friends in university, but so had Seth. Perhaps his own judgment was somewhat clouded by grife from her death, but Seth’s wouldn’t be.
“Yeah,” he says after a minute, comforted. “You’re right. What would I do without you?”
Seth smiles, and is about to reply, but then he blanches. “Benj. The pasta’s on fire.”
“Again?” sighs Benj.
Dates become sort of a regular thing after that. It’s a bit difficult to work around both of their work schedules and then make time for each other while making sure that they can get someone to watch their kids, but they manage to make it work.
They’d gone to a few more restaurants, a garden, and ice skating (which they’d both been horrible at). They’d seen a zombie movie, where the jump scares had startled Tatiana and the blood had made Benj squeamish, and when they left the theater, they’d decided not to go to the movies again for a while. The for a while makes Benj hopeful – if they’re planning for the future, no matter how soon it might be, it makes him think that this might actually last.
“I’m taking you dancing this weekend,” Benj tells her over the phone a few short months later. He pauses, then adds, “If you’re free, that is.”
“Dancing?” Tatiana asks. He hears her rifling through some papers as if she’s checking her schedule, and replies, “That’s a new one, but yes, I’m free.”
“Fantastic.” Benj grins into the phone, and he’s pretty sure that she can hear it in his voice. “I’m going to sweep you off your feet.”
“Literally?”
“Literally,” Benj confirms, “I’m an excellent dancer. I’ll show you.”
And he is. Tatiana didn’t expect this from a man who’d careened into a teenager when they went ice skating and then complained that it was because his legs were too long for proper balance, but he dips and twirls her until she’s breathless and red in the face. He, however, still has a ton of energy.
“How did you get so good at dancing?” she asks him as they sit down for a few minutes so that she can catch her breath. Benj has brought her a glass of water, and Tatiana drains it quickly.
“It’s just something that I’ve done since I was young, and then I joined the ballroom dancing club in university. We had to practice a lot for competitions,” he reports proudly.
“You competed?”
“I won,” he corrects her, quirking an eyebrow over in her direction. “I’ve been told that being good at dancing is a very attractive skill.”
Tatiana can’t help but agree, but at this point, she thinks that just about all of his skills are attractive. “I bet you say that to all the girls,” she answers, and pretends that her cheeks are red just from the exertion of dancing. She nods at the dance floor, taking in the song playing. “Can you do the Dirty Dancing lift?”
Benj looks offended. “Of course I can do the Dirty Dancing lift. Do you want me to show you?”
It’s then that the song changes, and he beams suddenly. She recognizes it at once as the song that he holds the high score on in Just Dance (now that she thinks of it, it does make sense that he’s a good dancer if he can thoroughly demolish everyone at the game), and he’s already getting to his feet. “It’s my favorite song,” he says as if she doesn’t know, and holds out a hand, “You ready to head back out?”
She’s pretty sure that her feet are going to ache after tonight, but Tatiana has learned by now that there’s very little that she can deny Benj when he’s looking at her like that. She offers him her hand, and he pulls her back to the floor just as Love Is Easy starts playing.
“I think that you’re going to have to carry me inside,” she complains as she leans against his side after they’ve left and are heading up the path to his house.
Benj laughs and winds an arm around Tatiana to steady her as he opens the door. “You’re on your feet all day for your job and yet a few hours of dancing are enough to wipe you out?”
“You’re a great dancer,” Tatiana complains, “I was just trying to keep up.” He collapses onto his couch and she follows suit a moment later, swinging her legs onto his lap with a groan. “I am going to ache in the morning.”
“You’re an old woman.”
“I’m nearly six months younger than you,” she protests, batting away his hand that he’s reached out to poke at her in the stomach.
Benj gives up and just rests his arm across the back of the couch. “Did you have fun?” he asks instead. “I took a bit of a gamble with this, since I wasn’t sure if dancing was your style.”
“I loved it,” Tatiana assures him. “I don’t think that I’ve danced since my wedding.”
The topic comes up every now and then, but it seems less bitter now than it was at the start. Tatiana shuffles closer to him, and he wraps his arm around her waist when she leans his head on her shoulder. “Do you think you’ve had enough practice to beat me at Just Dance now?” he teases.
Tatiana snorts, and lifts her head up to look him in the eyes. “Not a chance.”
He grins at her, and then leans down. As usual, she meets him halfway and he wraps his arms around her as he kisses her. She slips a hand into his curls, slightly damp from all the dancing, and he’s just leaning into her for a better angle before she makes a sudden noise of surprise against his lips, and then they’re both caught off balance.
Benj hits his shoulder on the ground, and Tatiana bumps into his jaw with her head. They sit up from the ground with identical winces, then take a look at each other and burst into laughter.
“I was smooth all evening, of course I just had to ruin it now,” Benj mourns, and then reaches out to run his thumb along the part of her collarbone that hit his jaw. “Are you alright?”
“I’m fine,” she affirms, her cheeks slightly pink from laughter. She looks so lovely in the dim light of the night that he can’t help himself as he tucks a lock of hair behind her ear to make her blush further. She looks away for a moment, and then looks up to meet his eyes again, and some sort of understanding seems to pass between them. He keeps his hand on the side of her face.
“I don’t want to overstep,” Benj starts in a low voice before he can stop himself, “but, er, the girls are actually at my sister’s house for the entire night.”
Tatiana tries not to blush further, but Benj can see the pink of her cheeks deepen several shades. “What a coincidence,” she says after a moment, “the kids are with my brother, and he won’t be expecting me to pick them up until tomorrow morning.”
Her lips curve up almost slyly at him, and he takes that as his cue to lean forward and kiss her again, letting her wrap her arms tightly around him. He stops kissing her only long enough to pick her up under her knees and with an arm supporting her back, and she giggles contentedly as he carries her into his bedroom.
It’s not the sunlight that wakes him, but the lack of weight on his chest, and Benj opens his eyes to see Tatiana roll over blearily and stretch. When she realizes that he’s awake, she gives him a sleepy smile. “Morning.”
“Morning,” he replies as the events of the night before come rushing back to him. He doesn’t blush, but he does try to hide a grin as he turns to face her. “How do you feel?”
“I was right, I do ache,” Tatiana says with a yawn.
Benj bites back a somewhat guilty laugh. “Sorry.”
Tatiana turns red, even if Benj isn’t sure what else there is to get embarrassed about when she’s naked in his bed. “It’s mostly my legs from dancing,” she assures him. “Er. Amongst other places.” She rubs at a mark on her neck that Benj has vague memories of putting there, and he has to turn his face into his pillow to keep from laughing.
“Are you hungry?” he asks after a minute, slightly muffled from the pillow.
She lets out a thoughtful noise. “Not so much as I am thirsty, really.”
Benj lifts his head, and this time shoots her a smirk. “I can help with that.”
He’s greeted by her cheeks reddening again, but she surprises him when she’s the one who moves closer and rests her hands on his bare chest. “I’m sure you can,” she murmurs, and he nearly flips off the bed in his urgency to kiss her again.
Normally, Tatiana only gets calls at this time of the night when she’s not working if there’s an issue with one of her patients or an emergency at the hospital. She blearily rubs at her eyes, and then reaches out for her phone on the bedside table.
“Hello?” she says sleepily into it when she’s pulled it to her ear and slid to accept the call without seeing who it was.
A voice on the other end speaks, and Tatiana sits straight up. “Easton?”
The shrieks of their children playing echo from the other room, but Tatiana sits at her kitchen counter with a cup of tea and stares at her friend. “East called last night,” she says at last. “He says he wants to see Amory and Belle again.”
“What?” Seren’s eyes widen, and she nearly coughs up her cup of tea. “I thought that his contract was for two years in the Amazon?”
“It still is. He’s just returning for a few days to present some of his research, but then he only has a few more months left in the Amazon. Unless his contract gets extended.” Tatiana rubs at her eyes. “I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Should I let him see them? They’re his kids too, but he gave us all up when he decided to abandon us.”
Seren hums thoughtfully. “I don’t know what to tell you,” she says at last. “I have joint custody, so I have to let Frankie see the kids, and it’s not like he’s a bad father. He just wasn’t a great husband for me.” She takes a sip of her tea and adds, “But you’ll know what to do.”
“He is their father, still,” Tatiana muses out loud, fingers drumming against the table, “but, I don’t know. He said that some time away made him realize that he needs to fix things. Like, everything, with me and the kids.”
“Ah.” Seren senses the gravity of the situation and reaches out to grasp her best friend’s hand. “He wants you to take him back.”
“That’s what it sounded like. Or he at least wants to talk about it.” Tatiana bites her lip. “What should I do? I said I’d call him back when I was awake enough to process what he was asking for, but I don’t know. It’s a lot. He’ll be here in two days and I’m not even sure if I should let him visit the kids, much less talk to him.”
“It’s up to you,” Seren says gently, “but if you do decide to talk to him and see if you can fix anything, then you owe it to Benj to at least tell him about it.”
Tatiana hasn’t even thought about where Benj is going to fit in; she’s been fretting about her children and Easton for the last few hours that the thought hasn’t even occurred to her. “You’re right, you’re right.” She presses her lips together thoughtfully for a few seconds and then says, “I’ll think about it more.”
It’s not for a few more hours that Tatiana makes her decision, after Seren takes her kids and leaves. She calls Easton first, then steels herself, and calls Benj. Tatiana has always been a bit of a coward with her heart, and this isn’t something that she thinks she wants to do face-to-face with him.
“Hey,” he says cheerfully after picking up on the fourth ring.
“Hey,” she replies, and her voice is a lot more hesitant. He picks up on it immediately.
“Is everything alright?”
She shakes her head, and then remembers that he can’t see her. “No, actually.” She takes a deep breath. “We need to talk.” When there’s no response from the other end, she goes on. “Easton called last night. He wants to see the kids.”
“Oh.” Benj lets out a deep breath. “He’s coming back to visit them? Does he even have rights to do that?”
“Since I’m the one with sole custody, it’s up to me to decide. He’s only in town for the weekend to present some of his research, and then he’s off to the Amazon for a few months. I thought about it for a while, and I decided that he should see his kids, at least for a few hours.”
“That makes sense,” Benj says gently, “but you should only do it if you’re completely comfortable with it.”
“I’ve thought about it for a while, and I’ll definitely be there with them. But that’s not it, Benj.” Tatiana hesitates, and then adds, “Easton said that he wanted to fix things. Not just with the kids, but with me.”
“Oh.” There’s a weight to this one that wasn’t there before. The line is quiet for a few seconds. “What are you going to do? Are you going to hear him out? Does he want to get back together?”
“I think he wants to,” she says softly. “And I don’t know. While we’re there with the kids, he says that he wants to talk, and I think that I should at least listen to what he has to say.”
The line is quiet. And then, “So you’re just going to go running back to him after all that he did to you?”
“You don’t even know him,” Tatiana says sharply, “He was a good husband once. If he’s really changed, I just want to hear what he has to say. It’s not like I’m making any rash decisions.”
“It seems like just listening to what he has to say is a rash decision.”
“Oh, don’t say that, if you had the chance to let Lily see your kids and talk to you for a few minutes, you’d take it, wouldn’t you?”
“It’s different!” Benj replies, and he’s not quite angry, but there’s an emotion in his voice that he can’t quite place. “She didn’t choose to leave.”
“I didn’t say that I was going to take him back, or even consider it, Benjamin,” Tatiana says, and there’s a hint of steel in her tone. “I agreed to talk to him. Just to figure out what he wanted to do in the future with the kids. They’re technically his, too.”
“So you’re going to consider letting him see them more?” Benj lets out a breath, and then asks in a somewhat quieter voice, “What does this mean for us?”
Tatiana swallows heavily. The thing is, she has no idea where this will lead. She doesn’t think that she can let East back into her home, much less her heart again, when Benj has already taken up a significant part of it. “I don’t know,” she says quietly.
“Okay,” Benj replies, and there’s no anger in his tone, mostly just resignation. He hangs up, and Tatiana can’t blame him, but she stares at the phone in her hands for a few more seconds anyway before standing. She has to explain this situation to her children, who are eating lunch in blissful ignorance just a room over.
“What if she takes him back?” Benj frets as he walks around the island in his kitchen with a bottle of wine in his hand. Reece and Seth exchange a look, and then come to a silent agreement. Reece gently eases the bottle out of his grip and sets it on the counter while Seth forces Benj to sit down.
“She won’t,” Seth says firmly. “She said he was a twat, right? I doubt that she’d get back together with him.”
“But he’s the father of her kids,” Benj says miserably. He’s a little drunk right now, but he keeps his voice low. In the living room, a few feet away, Clara and Cecilia and Rio have been asleep for the past hour, and he doesn’t want to wake them so that they won’t see him like this.
“Yeah, but he left,” persists Seth.
“And now he’s back!” Benj complains.
Reece shoots Seth a look and then decides to take over. “Hey,” he says more gently, reaching over to squeeze Benj’s shoulder. “It’ll be okay. She’d have to be an idiot to go back to him and leave you – and even if she does, you’re going to be alright. You have us and your girls. You’ve moved on before, and you will again.”
“But I really like her,” Benj says a little bit miserably, and reaches for his wine glass. Reece slides it smoothly out of his reach, and Benj doesn’t even complain. “And we’ve been together for months now. She said that he’s just going to talk, and that she’s going to listen, and that that doesn’t mean that she’ll even consider taking him back, but what if she does.” He lets out a sigh. “I didn’t even know if I’d feel anything for anyone after Lily died, but now there’s this and I don’t know what to do.”
He sounds so miserable that Reece has to give him a hug right away, and even Seth is patting him on the shoulder.
“I’m sorry,” Reece says, drawing back, “Relationships can be hard, but she’ll come to a decision about what she wants to do, soon, and we’re here for you no matter what.”
“Dad?”
They all freeze at the sound of a voice from the living room, and turn to see a bleary-eyed Clara stumble into the kitchen in confusion. “Are you alright?” she asks with a yawn.
Benj pulls it together quickly. “Of course I am, Ignacio,” he replies hastily.
She looks between Seth and Reece and then turns back to her father. “Did Amory’s Mum make you upset?” she guesses.
Benj is a little surprised by her powers of deduction, but he deflates ever so slightly and pulls his chair out so that he can walk over to her. “Yeah, a little bit,” he admits as he bends down in front of her.
He had been scared that this news would make her angry, but Clara just gives him a thoughtful look. “But you still like her, right?”
“I like her a lot,” Benj confesses. There’s something about the confusion in her blue eyes that makes him want to be entirely honest, even if she’s a little too young to understand exactly why her father’s so torn up. “But I don’t know if she feels the same way.”
Clara’s eyebrows furrow. “Then why don’t you just tell her and see what she says?”
Benj closes his mouth. It’s a very simple solution, but he has to admit that it may well be the obvious one. “Maybe I will,” he manages after a moment, and then stands. “Why don’t you go back to sleep?”
She nods and he leads her back to the couch, where she curls up into the spot she’s vacated between her sister and best friend. “When did you get so wise?” he asks her as she settles in and he brushes her curls back from her face.
“Miss Cormack says to be honest,” Clara replies with a yawn. “It probably works for adults, too.”
Benj isn’t so sure about that, but he figures that it might be a worth a try if he gets the chance.
Though she usually drives to Benj’s house, Tatiana decides to walk tonight. The air is crisply chill, and she thinks that she needs it right now to clear her head and to steel herself. It takes her some time, but finally she emerges at his door. She deliberates for a moment, and then finally gives in and knocks.
It’s late enough that she’s sure his daughters are in bed by now, but he isn’t, and sure enough, a few seconds later, she hears footsteps before he pulls open the door. She sees that he’s in pajamas and that there’s a bottle of wine visible behind him on the kitchen table.
For a few moments, they just look at each other, and then Tatiana speaks. “Can I come in?”
Benj doesn’t nod, he just opens the door wider, and she steps inside and moves straight to the kitchen as he locks the door behind them. She can see now that the bottle hasn’t been opened, and she’s not sure if that helps or hurts her nerves right now. This might be easier if he’s at least somewhat softened by wine, but at least this way, she knows that his head is clear.
She takes a seat at his kitchen table, but he leans against the island and crosses his arms over his chest as he regards her. And then, finally, he speaks. “Are Amory and Isabelle with him right now?”
She doesn’t need to ask who he’s referring to. “No, he left this morning. They’re sleeping over at Seren’s.” He doesn’t seem like he’s going to speak until she does, so she sighs and goes on. “I also talked to Easton about what he wanted to discuss.”
Benj looks at the ground, and she can practically hear her own heart breaking when he refuses to meet her eyes. “He said that he was sorry, and he realized that he’d made mistakes, and he wanted to make things up to me and the kids. He asked if I would take him back.” Her throat is dry as she closes her mouth.
Benj’s voice is quiet. “What did you say?”
“I told him that he should go back to the Amazon.”
Benj looks up in confused surprise.
“I said no,” Tatiana goes on, “Did you really think that I was going to let him back into my life after how badly he hurt me? I think he’s changed, maybe a little bit, but our situation hasn’t. I don’t love him anymore. I’ve told him that he can visit the kids a little bit more often, but it’ll take time for them to warm up to him.” Isabelle hadn’t even really remembered her father, and Amory had kept a suspicious distance.
Benj is a little bit slower to put together all the pieces that she’s laid out. “So you’re not going to marry him again?”
She lifts an eyebrow. “Not a chance.”
Benj doesn’t smile, but the corners of his lips tug up ever so slightly. “Oh,” he says, just like he did over the phone, only the word is filled with infinitely more hope this time.
Tatiana clears her throat. “So, yeah. He left and he’s going to extend his contract. I definitely won’t hear from him for at least another six months, which I’m perfectly alright with.”
Benj is straightening a little bit against the counter he’s leaning his back on, and he lowers his arms slowly. “So, about us,” he starts, and then hesitates. “Clara gave me some advice. She told me that I should be honest with you about how I feel.” When Tatiana lifts an eyebrow, he lets out a sigh.
“Look, I like you a lot,” he tells her, meeting her eyes. “I didn’t think that I’d find anyone after Lily, but then you happened. At first, I was scared that I was dishonoring her memory by being with you, but you made me happy, and the girls liked you, and I realized that I was ready to move on with you. And then you told me that East called you, and I got so nervous that I was going to lose you.”
He rakes a hand through his blonde curls. “What I’m trying to say is that this is serious to me. You make me happy, and I really want to make you happy with me as long as I can. And I wouldn’t ask you to choose between me or your work, and I know that your kids always come first – but I know that you know that, because my girls are the most important thing to me, too.”
Tatiana’s gotten up from her chair, and she takes a few steps closer to him. Benj reaches out and finds her hand, and then he tugs her in closer so that they’re almost chest to chest. “So,” he continues, quickly running out of steam. It was meant to be a grand, romantic speech, but Benj is too nervous for it. “I just wanted to tell you that I care for you, and I really really like you. Lily was my wife, and there’s a part of me that will always love her, but that doesn’t hold me back from loving someone else.”
He looks down at Tatiana in front of him, and he hesitantly reaches up to curve a lock of hair behind her ear before he tells her seriously, “I know that I can learn to love again.”
Tatiana has remained silent until now, but her hazel eyes are bright as she looks to Benj. “I think that I already have,” she says, and gives him a brilliant smile.
Benj returns it, and then wastes no time in leaning down to bring their lips together.
“When do we tell Cece that Santa isn’t real?” Clara asks Tatiana as they set the table. The woman immediately looks behind her, but Cece is immersed in cutting out cookie shapes with Belle and doesn’t appear to have heard them.
She turns back to her eldest daughter. “I’m sure that she’ll figure it out soon enough,” she tells Clara. “You found out when you were five too, right?”
Clara, who is eight (and a half), nods with the air of someone far older. “I realized that Santa wrote his C’s just like Dad does, and then I saw him eating the milk and cookies later, so I figured it out,” she says with a shrug. She thinks about it for a few minutes. “Maybe you should be the one to write the tags on the presents.”
“I already did,” Tatiana tells her conspiratorially and grins.
There’s a clash from the kitchen, and they both turn to see Amory poke his head out of a cabinet. He’s just turned seven a month ago, but he’s already taller than Clara, much to her chagrin. “I can’t find where you put the icing,” he says by way of explanation. “Also, the girls won’t let me pick a different icing flavor.”
“Why do you want vanilla when we can have cookies with chocolate icing?” Cecilia asks, pausing in cutting out a sugar cookie snowman to frown at her brother. “Chocolate is better.”
“I think we’re all going to side with her, sorry, Am,” Tatiana says as she puts down the plates and proceeds to the cabinet to find the chocolate icing and hand it to him. “But if you want, we can leave a few un-iced. I know that your father doesn’t love chocolate, either.”
As if on cue, the door opens, and Benj steps in, shaking snow off of his hair and shoulders. “The good news is that it looks like we’ll have a white Christmas this year,” he announces to his family. “The bad news is that we might get snowed in.”
“I hope that at least Daniel can get here for dinner, then,” Tatiana frets as she steps forward to brush snow off of her husband’s shoulders so that he doesn’t track it into the kitchen. Her brother and Jude always come over to hers for Christmas Eve dinner, but this year, he’s bringing his new girlfriend, Molly, who has a daughter of her own, and Tatiana has been looking forward to meeting her for the past few weeks.
“If he doesn’t, there’s more food for us,” Cecilia points out.
Tatiana turns to admonish her, but Benj is laughing, so she eases up. “She’s right,” he points out as he hangs up his coat. “And we can always give them their presents another day if they can’t make it today.”
Clara starts out of her seat. “Presents! That reminds me, I have to finish the ones that I was making for Jack and Elias.” She puts down her plate and rushes up the stairs, much to the confusion of her parents.
“I thought she only had a crush on Elias,” Tatiana says.
Benj frowns. “I thought it was only Jack.” He turns to the brunette and smirks. “Want to bet on it?”
“I’m not going to bet on our daughter’s love life when she’s eight,” Tatiana says in consternation before pausing. “But fine. Ten pounds. Just watch, now she’s going to tell us that she’s got a crush on that Moran-Jameson boy or Eos or something.”
“She doesn’t like Eos,” Amory says wisely from the kitchen. “But Belle also likes Jack.”
Belle sputters. “I do not! I just said that he was pretty.” She whirls on her parents. “I’m still married to Clover, though,” she informs them before pausing. “Well, not right now. We got into a fight, and now I won’t marry him again until he apologizes.”
Neither of them really have the heart to tell her that that’s not not how it works, so they just step into the kitchen to survey the cookies. “I’m sure he will, sweetheart,” Tatiana says soothingly, smoothing a hand over her blonde curls. “In the meantime, you’ve finished your gift for him, right?”
Belle nods. “It was Cece’s idea. She said that I should collect all the four leaf clovers I could find this year and give it to him for Christmas. I only found six and now it’s too frozen to look for more, but do you think he’ll like it?”
“He’ll love it,” Benj reassures her.
Tatiana returns to cooking as their children talk behind her, and then Benj wraps his arms around her to watch. “Something smells good,” he informs her.
“Probably the tofu turkey,” she replies matter-of-factly.
He presses his nose into her hair. “No, that’s not quite it.”
“Stop trying to romance me when I’m holding a knife, Benjamin,” she tells him without any real bite to her words.
Tatiana doesn’t need to look at her husband to know that he’s grinning, and he rests his chin on top of her head as he watches her cut vegetables. “Have I told you that you look beautiful today, Mrs. Gray?”
“It’s Dr. Gray to you, and you have, but I like hearing it anyway.”
“Your plaque at the hospital still says Dr. Penvrane,” he says smugly.
“They take forever to update that thing,” grumbles Tatiana, but is placated when he pats her shoulder.
Someone turns on the radio behind them, and they can hear the first few bars of Love Is Easy starting to play before Cecilia sighs and changes the station to a Christmas one.
“No, change it back,” Benj says, turning to his youngest daughter. She shoots him a curious look but obliges, and McFly fills the kitchen.
“I love this song,” Benj sighs as if Tatiana hasn’t heard him say this approximately five hundred times since they got together.
“I’m not sure if it’s entirely right, though,” Tatiana notes. “Love isn’t easy, but I think that that’s the best part of it. It’s worth the chase.”
“Stop slandering McFly.”
“I’m not! It still completes me, I’m just saying that love isn’t easy.” She pauses. “But I still love the sentiment of the song.”
“You can write another song, then. We’ll see if it’s anywhere near as popular as McFly’s,” he teases her.
She wrinkles her nose. “It will be, and then I’ll put it on Just Dance and completely demolish you at it.”
He snorts. “You wish.”
“I will, just you wait,” Tatiana replies, but the song always does put her at ease, and she sinks into his arms, putting down her knife for a moment. “I love you,” she informs him after a moment.
“I know.”
“You’re supposed to say it back,” she whines, “You can’t pretend to be Han Solo every time.”
She still can’t see his expression, but she can hear the smile in his voice anyway when Benj replies, “I’m just joking. I love you.”
Tatiana would be content to stand like this, caught in Benj’s arms with the warmth of Christmas and their children all around them, but of course, nothing peaceful ever lasts.
“Dad,” whines Belle, “Cece’s eating all the chocolate icing.”
“I only took a lick!” protests Cecilia.
Benj sighs and reluctantly untangles himself from his wife. “Duty calls,” he tells Tatiana, and presses a kiss to her cheek before going to deal with the chaos of their family.
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