the adventures of the shadowfang idiots

by renegadekarma

“It’s not Tuesday.”

“I’m not naked.”


And with a pop, the simmering pot of sauce on the stove bubbled up and splattered all over the cabinets and the two young men standing around it apprehensively.

Grumbling to himself, Sean wiped off the tomato paste from his face using the dishrag. “I thought you said to leave it in for five minutes,” he muttered darkly to the man beside him.

Zach glowered and snatched the dishrag away, using it to mop up his face now. “I thought you were the one reading the recipe?”

A snort issued from the taller man. “Next time, we make something easier, Nyte.”

“How did we manage to fuck up making pasta, Delaney?” Zach replied, exasperated as he motioned to their soiled countertops, which Sean set about to cleaning with a flick of his wand. “Honestly, I thought that recipe was idiot-proof.”

“Looks like whoever wrote this cookbook hasn’t met us,” Sean observed, picking up the cookbook – also splattered with the remains of today’s cooking fiasco – and giving it a quick wiping with the dishrag before he replaced it on the shelf.

Now that they were cleaned up, the two men flopped down on the couch, utterly exhausted from their failure.

“I’m hungry,” Zach announced.

Storm colored eyes flitted to the side to take in the other man. “You’re always hungry,” Sean pointed out.

The shorter man pouted. “Well, yes, but considering I’ve had nothing to eat for dinner, I’m even hungrier. Can we get takeaway again? There’s that one Chinese place nearby that just opened up.”

“Didn’t we eat from there yesterday?”

“And the day before,” Zach added.

Sean sighed, weighed this idea, and then rose to his feet just in time to hear the doorbell. Confused, he went to get it, and returned after a moment with a covered dish, looking quite amused.

“My Mum dropped by,” he explained to Zach, “And she brought food.”

“Tell your Mum that I love her,” Zach sighed in contentment as he pulled the dish toward him and pulled off the lid to see what’s inside.

“Mate, that’s gross,” Sean protested.

Zach flicked a dishrag at him and proceeded to dig into the food.


“It’s not Tuesday.”

“I’m not naked.”

Zach stared down at his very scantily clad best friend and then shrugged, returning to his coffee. “Does this mean it’s perfectly acceptable go around in my underwear in this house?” he remarked after a moment.

Sean readjusted the towel around his hips and ran a hand through his wet, newly-showered hair as he opened the fridge and rummaged through it absently. “No.”

“Then how come you can?” Zach protested.

Because,” Sean explained with as much patience as if he was explaining the situation to a toddler, “I’m the hot one here.”

The former Gryffindor snorted. “Yeah, right.”

“I’m Princebury Row’s most eligible bachelor,” Sean declared triumphantly.

“Well, you might be in the running if you weren’t, you know, married,” Zach replied, grinning devilishly as he lifted the coffee to his lips.

Sean shot him a look.

“Get dressed,” Zach snorted. “I want to go to the cinema and sneak into a romance movie and make fun of all the blokes who cry at the sad parts.”
“Your idea of fun needs some help, mate,” Sean grumbled as he closed the fridge door.


“Zach!” Sean came running down the stairs, pulling on a shirt as he did so while simultaneously running a comb through his hair. “Where the fuck are you?”

There was a noncommittal groan from the couch, and the taller man moved into the living room and nudged his friend with a foot. “Get up you lazy ass.”

“It’s too early for this,” Zach grumbled, his face pressed into the sofa cushions as he lay flat on his stomach.

“It’s half past eleven in the morning.”


Sean rolled his gray eyes and place down his comb, using his hands to give the former Gryffindor a mighty push off of the couch.

Landing on the floor heavily, Zach groaned and opened a copper eye. “Fuck off.”

Sean was not perturbed. “We need to talk. Keelin’s coming over.”

“Now?” Zach blinked and sat up, groggily stretching out.

“Soon,” Sean replied, “So, er, just, you know, give us some space.”

“Yeah, sure, of course,” Zach waved at the other man before pausing. “We need a signal so that you don’t go and wake me up every time something like this happens.”

There was a pause in which both men considered this idea.

“Alright, here’s what I’ll do,” Sean decided after a moment before grabbing a sweatshirt of his off of the floor. He draped it over the staircase, moving the arms of the sweater into an ‘x’ on the railing. “This mean’s we’ve got a girl over, alright?”

“Okay,” Zach added, standing up now and moving to the stair. He leaned down and picked up a sock, tossing it to Sean. “And if you want me to stay out of your room, just leave this outside the door, alright?”
“Got it,” Sean returned with a nod.

The doorbell rang, and the former Slytherin looked at the other man, faintly panicked. “She’s here! Get out!”

“I have such a kind best mate,” Zach muttered with a roll of his light brown eyes before disappearing upstairs and making a mental note to keep away from Sean’s room for the rest of the day (and probably the night).


The richness of firewhiskey was not a feeling to be forgotten; both young men took turns passing the bottle back and forth between them and taking a long swig from it. They weren’t drunk, not yet at least, but they were well on their way.

“Sometimes,” Zach mused aloud after passing the bottle to his left, “I think about Hogwarts and I cry.”

Sean snorted, sopping a bit of alcohol over himself.

“Mate, I was so attractive then, I dunno why all of the girls weren’t fawning over me,” the shophand plowed along as if he hadn’t heard the other. “I mean, there was Phoebe and Audrey, but I think that was it. I did hit on most of them, though.”

“Like who?” Sean asked.

Zach shrugged. “I dunno, just all of them in general. One of Fee’s friends, Layla Hamilton – hell, I’m pretty sure I hit on Kee at some point.”
“You did?” Sean laughed, throwing his head back as he passed the bottle over to Zach.

“We have the same type,” Zach shrugged before taking another swig. “Funny, I thought you might murder me for saying something like that.”

“Nah,” Sean shrugged neutrally. “But in all honesty, I have a feeling you’ll die for a really, really stupid reason. Like getting eaten by a dragon or something.”

Even slightly tipsy as he was, the eighteen year old paled. “Don’t joke about that,” he muttered, passing over the firewhiskey. “And what about you? You’re not exactly Mr. Intelligent. Ten galleons that you’ll be run over by a broom or something.”

Sean laughed. “How would you win a bet with me if I’m dead?

Zach frowned, considering this. “Good point,” he realized, “But still, I’m true.”

The former Slytherin shook his head. “It’d take a lot more than a little broom to off me.”

“Yeah,” Zach agreed after a moment. “You’re pretty resilient and hard to kill. Trust me, I’ve tried.”

“I knew you poisoned those cookies!”

“Actually, that was a total accident. Turns out you’ve got to cook them all the way. Sorry about the food poisoning and the trip to Mungo’s, by the way.”

Sean snorted and took another swig before passing the bottle to his friend beside him. Zach grinned and took it, before, just because, he emptied the rest of the contents swiftly over Sean’s head.